CONTROL???

The sea is very quiet and very light blue, I can see the bottom and the sand... Not one wave, it is like an infinity of calm and peace.

I am in our summer home in Carthage, 13 miles from Tunis, I love to be alone daydreaming in the water and in peace…This place is full of history, some Romans or Carthaginians may have been right here where I am...

 I am floating on my back, my eyes are closed, and I am finally free and happy... There’s no one around, nobody to tell me anything, to tell me what to do.

I look at the sky, also very blue, and without clouds, not even one. 

I am so happy and at last I am in control of all my movements.

The sun is bright and warm, am I in Paradise? Time goes by, not a sound…

And then my entire family is around me, how strange I thought some of them did not know the others, but they are all around smiling at me, holding my hands.

I feel so good, I am in heaven, I am in the “Mediterranean sea” in Tunis, I am young, and I am in control of everything.

I feel something pulling my leg from under, very lightly, almost like a caress, I smile again, it must be a small fish teasing me, or the fingers of an imaginary whale.

The pulling is suddenly harder, like the hand of a giant grasping me,  I try to fight it with my feet, with no results… the hand of the giant is now holding both of my legs,  I change position and start to try swimming, but I cannot... All my efforts are useless, I am not advancing and the pulling is stronger and stronger, trying to sink me under water… I am losing control, I am not myself anymore… 

The sky becomes a mirror and I see the face of an older man, who is he? He looks like me but much older, and seems to be in a panic, his eyes are wide open and he is screaming but I can’t hear a sound...

I am not in the ocean anymore, I am in a crowd of people screaming at me, laughing, and playing cards and making speeches... Some are standing up talking with lots of gestures as if they were giving instructions, and I wonder what they are saying, I don’t understand, it’s a language I don’t know and cannot grasp, I can’t control anything… 

 I start to walk away, and fall in a huge hole in the ground, I fall and fall and fall, my head is hitting some rocks and my legs are trying to become wings.

I wake up…

Another bad dream, no actually another good dream, or maybe both.

I am thinking about it. Today is Thanksgiving Day, and I am thankful for life, to a few people in my life, and I am wondering. In that dream, I was in control and happy at first, and then suddenly I lost control and was losing everything else.

Why?

Lots of people say that I am a control freak, that I always want to be in control, that I tell everybody what to do and not to do, what to think, how to behave, what to dream and even to stop dreaming or even to stop hoping when it is no longer, possible, according to me, naturally.

I remember my youth, even at the young age of 10, I was sitting at my desk in school and the other kids would come to me and I was telling them what to do, who to like and who to dislike.

And they were listening.

Today, I would be called a bully, but a mind bully since I was frail.

CONTROL, CONTROL

Some people have control and some are followers because they do not like control or because they are not capable of it.

I wanted to be an actor but I quickly went in the direction of becoming a director, control?

I became a director but soon turned into a general director, control?

And that went on for most of my life, the need to be in control practically dictated all my life moves, and almost all my decisions.

We all know by now that this need to be in control comes from a youth trauma, which is most of the time untold or undiscovered...

The lack of the need to control, and the choice of being a follower have probably the same origin, in a youth trauma.

BUT some do not need control and stay independent and some find the balance between controlling and following… 

These people are happier most of the time and have a more balanced life, but they are rarely leaders, but again they do not need to lead.

Some others have found their way in life and in professional life by pleasing others and at the same time to impose their thoughts, to control through no obvious actions those they need to please in order to advance their personal aims.

It is amazing to see very often some of us taking on new responsibilities, new leadership... 

They advance quickly in their life, in their profession, and seem always to bounce back somewhere else if they fail, never totally defeated, never totally desperate, always finding new paths, new ways, and new adventures.

They learned how to impose their thoughts, to please individuals and a crowd, to show what they know and to hide carefully what they do not know…

They can talk about everything, they are specialists about everything, they immediately find our weaknesses and how to use them… They are great talkers and great seducers, using every tool or every trick, they know how to manipulate others, how to say exactly what we want to hear, how to make us feel important and deserving their attention.

THEY ARE THE REAL CONTROLLERS

They control our actions, our decisions, our future and too often our life, we look for their approval, and we feel better when they give us a little nod of recognition.

They take charge of big companies, large corporations, they become the new stars of Wall Street or the entertainment business.

We look at them, like them, despise them, respect them, fear them, we want to be chosen by them, hate them, envy them, and finally wonder about them.

Every day we wonder why this one or that one is in charge, why this one or that one is so successful… 

We know they do not know, we know that they do not deserve it, and when we make our knowledge about them too obvious, they try to eliminate us by ignoring or demeaning us.

We believe we are basically better, more talented, more knowledgeable but they are the chosen ones, why?

Yes, they are the chosen.

They were the gifted and they learned how to find the balance between CONTROL AND PLEASING; they have always the right word, they have the gift to say banalities and we believe it is pure genius, they have a solution for everything even when they have no idea of what the problem is.

Unfortunately, it can become a rule in our society, especially in the arts, and we have to be very aware of it, and very careful of what we say, what we do, what we think.

We have to learn, not how to become like them, but how to deal with them, to accept their control but keep the freedom to sometimes refuse it or deny it.

 I know that sometimes we don’t have a choice and must accept the decision of the CHOSEN, but our mind should always be free to question it and even to deny it.

We have to see or guess what is behind the facade, use what we find and then we will have a small possibility to have the opportunity to play their game. 

We are confronted with these CONTROLLERS in our professional life but also in our private life, and it has to become our task to deal with it, and manage it in order to stay who we are and obtain what we want and need… 

AN ABSOLUTE CONDITION TO BE OURSELVES.