AND NOW WHAT?????............
It is 4 30 am, it is still dark out
and raining… I feel strange today…not depressed, not anguished, not sad, just
strange… Lost? Do I feel lost?
I have been thinking for a few weeks:
What is going to be my life for the last chapter, for the last few years? What
is going to be my next step, oh really? a next step?
OR should I finally enter the age of
renouncement? Should I decide that it will be no next chapter or next step!!! I
spend all my life creating new chapters, new adventures, new…And I am so used
to it, can I really renounce and consider that it is not a next step but just a
last chapter.
I must be realistic and practical,
the world has changed tremendously, I have the feeling that most people around
me think differently, act differently, are basically different of what I have
known the past decades.
I am told almost every day that I do
not act the ways of today, I do not even express myself with the right words
for THIS SOCIETY, I do not have the same way of looking at things…SO obviously
I do not belong to this time...
God, I wish I could believe in a
supreme force, in an afterlife life, or believe in hell… I know, I know what you are thinking BUT NO,
NO, I am not a manic depressive, I am just having some thoughts and I am just
asking questions about the new rules and the legitimacy of a society who
changes every day...
I am like a cow ruminating…I wonder
if everybody has these moments, do some of the people I know think about all
this??? What do people really want? What
is the real purpose of life for today criteria of living?
From the window in my room, I can see
a man walking in the dark, in the rain…who is he? What does he really look like? Why does he
walk in the dark, so early morning, in the rain…? He walks very slowly, he probably
has nowhere to go or maybe he wants to kill time and forget his existence…He
stops suddenly…and is looking at something, he bends and picks up an
object…What is it? I cannot distinguish… But suddenly he bursts of laughter and I can
see his face… I can see that he is laughing, and laughing…Maybe he found the
secret of life and how to behave…in a box…
I hope I can meet him and ask him to share this
secret with me and make me aware of new ways to contemplate existence. He is
walking again and disappear behind a building…No! here he is again, but he
looks different, maybe it is somebody else? Or himself but different after his
discovery and his laughing? He is now in front of a parking, 8 floors
down…Maybe I should go downstairs and ask him who he is… Maybe I should take a
walk in the street and make a new friend….
NO FORGET IT!!!
It seems that it is yesterday that I
was walking in the streets of Tunis, Paris, Dakar, Moscow or Tananarive… The past two months I have been walking a
lot, AND yesterday I was walking again in the streets of New York, but I realized
that do not like anymore to walk in the streets of a city… I loved that so much! It was my way of being! Each step was a discovery, every corner a
surprise, and a multitude of interesting encounters!
Did
the world change or did I change? Am I still capable to see the world and what
it has to offer? Or is it a question of getting older and to belong to another generation?
In my present state of mind there is very
little to look at, very little to discover, and it seems that I can only see
the surrounding question about life, about behavior, about thoughts.
Is it really a question of belonging
to another generation?
The world has changed and continues
to change at an incredible speed…
So many cities live in
fear! FEAR
seems to be the normal state of mind of the majority.Fear of others, Fear of any kind of action and
its consequences, Fear of thinking, fear of having an opinion, Fear of human
relation, Fear of the unknown, Fear of the next dramatic event, Fear of being
scared!
What happened to our dreams of
Happiness for an equal society full of life and aspirations? We were supposed to reach the
NIRVANA, this unflappable state of mind when the fires of desire, aversion, and
delusion have been extinguished.
What
happened to the spirit of the past decades when we decided to rebuild the world
for a total harmony, and total understanding of others? We were working hand in
hand with the older generation, using their knowledge and them using our
vitality. My teachers, in university and in theater, were so close to us, we
were friends, companions and dreamers together. We made plans to bring to
society: balance, equality and happiness. No conflict of generation was
involved in this collaboration.
But the sky has changed sky... It is
not Shattered anymore, it has exploded…
Can we look at a possible truth? Truth?
Truth of what? Of the creation of imagination? Of the unfinished fantasies?
What about search for wisdom? But
does wisdom leave an after taste of bitterness on the truth? Does the older
generation become bitter with time? Bitterness of having wisdom trying to rule
and no room anymore for invention? Is that the reason why so many people like
snow, snow covers the bitterness of the truth?
All this white snow creates a false impression of purity, a false
impression of quietness, of unexpected silence like a piece of white velvet on
the wounds of life.
When youth is gone, what is left are
the inconsistent memories: memory of the lost senses, and the stupefaction to
see that we are now built by life and by routine. Youth can disappear in the
fog of life, in the path of what we call existence and we discover with horror
that we are now another one recreated by the look of others.
Can
we call back our youth and try to reinvent it and show tenderness to it?
Can we
again try to remodel the world?
Can
we have both: The accumulated knowledge and the desire to go on?
Is
the conflict of generations becoming a creator of chaos? We live in a bizarre,
and dangerous world where it seems that the abyss between ways of thinking is
much deeper everyday and becoming an irreversible tragedy… more that it has
been in past centuries… It seems that people are living side by side and not in
the same world, living in parallel worlds with opposed rules and opposed expectations
ignoring the needs of each other.
Like most people, sometimes we deny
possible death about people we love and care for… And we continue to live the
same way, until it is too late. Most of us do not know how to show some people
the importance they have in our life, our being, our existence and when we
finally realize it, it is too late. We must confront and endure the
departure of someone and we never found the time to tell them: Thank you for
being you, thank you for your love, thank you for your friendship, thank you
for sharing your knowledge.
WE HAVE TO TRY TO STAY STRONG AND
HAVE THE COURAGE TO GO TO THE NEXT STEP OF LIFE, THE NEXT CHAPTER OF ADVENTURE,
THE NEXT POSSIBLE MOMENTS OF PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS…
We must remember:
It takes strength to be firm and it takes
courage to be gentle
It takes strength to conquer and it takes courage to surrender
It takes strength to be certain and it takes courage to have doubt
It takes strength to fit in and it takes courage to be stand out
It
takes strength to feel a friend’s pain and it takes courage to feel your own pain
It
takes strength to endure abuse and it takes courage to stop it
It takes strength to stand alone
and it takes courage to lean on another
It takes strength to love and it takes courage to be loved
It takes strength to survive and it takes courage to live
NEVER
NEVER
NEVER
