HEAVY HEART

Another important part of myself disappeared a few weeks ago, with the death of my best friend, and I was plunged again into my own world--my world of loneliness.

I have slept so often and so deeply with my loneliness that she has almost become a friend, a tender habit. My loneliness never left me even for a second. It was faithful like a shadow and was following me in my youth all over the world on my silly voyages…

And now, thanks to my loneliness, I am never alone.

When my loneliness is in my bed in the same ridiculous hotel room in the middle of nowhere, while my creative genius is directing another masterpiece, she takes over the entire room.

And we spend long nights face-to-face wondering: where will the accomplice of my wandering go?

Do I have to love it or do I have to fight it?

My loneliness taught me as much as she made me pour tears, my loneliness taught me how not to be alone, and if sometimes I deny it, she never makes me weak … even if sometimes I had wished to fill my loneliness with dreams and hopes, I know she will be with me forever.

My loneliness was resurrected recently by the death of my dear friend Robert, who died a month ago, after a fight with cancer for 6 months....

IS IT BECAUSE HE DIED THAT I FELT SO LONELY? DID HIS DEATH PUT ME IN TOUCH AGAIN WITH MY LONELINESS WHO HAD BEEN BURIED FOR SO MANY YEARS?

He was my friend since 1962 when we met at the university in Paris, he was the gentlest, most generous person I know, and incapable of being mean or hateful!!!

He was the memory of my youth, the image of my quest for the truth of life, and the smile of my bitterness.

And he died at the age of 71, when he had never been sick!!! What the fuck???!!!! How is it possible to die so fast, and suddenly to disappear from EVERYTHING..                                                                                                                                                            Why do all my friends have to die one after the other?

Am I a bad omen?

It seems that I have been spending my life burying people! Actually, No!  I am never there when they die, I am on the road or living another escapade, or, when I was younger, trying to discover the world--or whatever I believed the world was in my young mind full of questions and, most of the time, empty of answers!

My brother died at the age of 24, I was 19, and I was not there: I was traveling in Asia trying to find the truth about life in a monk monastery! My brother dies and I talk about life with monks!!!  Almost laughable!

My father died 6 months later and I was not there, I was acting in a c movie trying to become A GREAT ACTOR and be venerated by the crowd! He died almost by himself like a poor soul in a c movie.

My mother died and I was not there, I was directing Romeo and Juliette. And I arrived two days later to see her in a coffin full of flowers… What irony!

My other best friend, Mark Flint, died and I was not there, he was very far away from me and I was too busy with silly every day occupations, trying to be!

I can continue the list forever!!! Is life protecting me by keeping me away from death?

BUT If all this had to be done again, and if I had the choice presented to me, I would be there.

I regret, bitterly, that I missed these painful moments, and especially that I missed them because I wanted to become somebody in my own mind, in my own ambition, in my own fantasy world!!!

Why do we have to go through all this pain? Is that destiny? Is that fate? PLEASE DO NOT SAY “IT IS THE HUMAN CONDITION,” you will make me laugh and I am not in the mood!!!

Is that the reason we become artists? Because we believe it is the best way to deal with real life? To have the luck and the power to hide our pain and our suffering behind a character, or while directing a play or an opera, to have the opportunity to become somebody else wearing the mask of a so-called creation?

Do we do all this unconsciously and in order to avoid this loneliness that we do not know how to confront? This loneliness which is a common feature for all of us, and especially in the world of the arts?

Are we born, and will we live forever trying to deal with this loneliness and find ways to endure it?

  I remember the great lines of my Russian Acting teacher: 

When we act, it is the only time in life when we do not need to act, we are protected by the character we are performing! So be totally yourself, do not hide anything, do not protect yourself with pretending to be another, and use all this to find a balance in your life.                                                                                                                          Acting is the equivalent of what alcohol or drugs are for some, but much healthier.

Your loneliness is now under the cover of the character you are performing; express it, use it, deal with it, cure it and because of this cure on your wounds you can become a better person and you will certainly be a great artist!

My loneliness: I hate you for leading me to the bottom of life so many times. But I also cherish you…you gave me the tools to be a better artist and, maybe, a better person.

The DEATH of friends makes us think a lot about LIFE, how ironic again!

We go through life searching desperately to do the best we can for ourselves, for people we love, and for people we like and we disguise our loneliness. 

Sometimes we ease it by being close to some people and some others we love!

Let’s try to use our loneliness to be fair, generous with people, and giving!!! I know that TOO OFTEN we get in return distrust, disdain, refusal, negativity, and sometimes hate! 

But is that really important?

We wonder often why this one or that one acts this way? Why he or she turns his/her back to us, let’s just think about their loneliness and forgive them.                                 Maybe they did not have the opportunity to find a way to express their loneliness through the channels we used.

Should we feel with our heart but act with our reason? YES, YES , YES…

Let’s try to feel with our heart, our passion, our abandon, and let’s be sure to act with our judgement, our reason AND NOT WITH OUR LONELINESS.

Unfortunately, too often most of us act with our hearts and feel with our reason, then our loneliness grows day after day!! And then, it could be too late to dominate it and we can fall in hell.

Too many people in our lives disappear because of new interests, new adventures, and sometimes new directions! Or unfortunately we are not useful any more in their development!

It is difficult to stay close to the ones who have been very present at one point, and we lose track of them... And worse, sometimes the former important ones deny us!!! And very often, we prefer not to know the reasons out of fear, or apprehension to discover the bad sides of ourselves!

It seems that we live more and more in a world and in a society where we have a tendency to ignore or to avoid the ones who are no longer immediately involved with our quest for a better life, and we become contributors to their loneliness.

So please, all of us, let’s not wait for the death of somebody close to us or important in our lives to think of him/her, to take care of her/him; they could be lonely, let’s be sure to bring some comfort in that loneliness by being there and being attentive to them and their possible needs.

  

REINVENTING OURSELVES

Yesterday I had a text message exchange with a former assistant of mine who became AN IMPORTANT personality in our business (at least in his mind).

I have to add for personal history that for the past few years, he was calling me PAPA and had been always looking for my advice, input, and guidance in his life, professional life and private life.

Anyway, in that exchange of texts, he told me that:

It was a conflict of interest for me to be a manager and a stage director, that I was pressuring people and companies for my own interest as a director and it was bothering him (I have to add that I NEVER asked him to hire me as a director, I was just asking him if he had chosen a director for a specific production).

Then, he added that I was hated in the business by many, many people, and he was very critical of all of my professional activities by saying that I was not a success in most of my endeavors.

His tone was aggressive and full of hate and I was really overwhelmed by sadness to hear him saying all this.

Where did all this came from? I know, but will not express it since as you all know I am a generous person (laughing).

It took me some time to think about this painful exchange and brought to my mind a few thoughts:

I know that some people do not like a lot of people for any number of reasons, and, most of the time, based on personal issues, personal headaches, lack of self-confidence and sometimes reputation based on rumors and invented stories… If I had lived 10% of the stories said about me, about what I did or did not do, I would be considered a giant or a legend…

 Sometimes I wish people knew more of the true stories in my life--it would be more interesting.

I know that in my long life, I am now 72 years old, I have done a lot of different things and many times things I did not necessarily want to do but I had to survive! But guess what? I am now happy I did them. They made me a man with experiences, sometimes painful experiences, painful memories, and painful background, but even with all that I am still open to new experiences even if I do not know if I can really deal with it at my age or if I have the strength to deal with the new ways.

I did not have the luck or the result of Fate to be born in a stable family in a stable country and I had to reinvent myself all my life to stay sane and to continue to want to conquer the world despite all the handicaps I had to overcome.

Did I conquer the world? NO I did not, but I went all the way to try.

And guess what? I STILL DO!                                                                      

Nobody made me change my mind, and nobody will be able to sway me from my desire to succeed, even if it did not happen and will not happen in the ways people expect.

But I am still alive and trying to be creative and all the negative feedbacks will not stop me.

Yes, I know, I have been and sometimes still am: a theater director, a theater actor and creator of a French theater company in America, a professional gambler, a university professor, a garbage collector, a writer, an opera general and artistic director, a packing person in a supermarket, a librettist for opera, a designer, an artist’s manager, an opera stage director, a lecturer, a movie and television actor etc... etc.…

I believe I did, and continue to do all this with full responsibility and full dedication, and never sacrifice one aspect for the other… I was always and still being totally honest in my actions and sometimes maybe too honest in my ideas, judgements, or opinions.

BUT ISN’T THAT THE ONLY WAY TO STAY ALIVE?

To reinvent our lives all the time in order to be creative, full of ideas, excited by the next experiences, and ready to go for new adventures and challenges?

Isn’t experimenting with new things the best way to stay alive?

To approach challenges with a new mind, a new thought, a new self?

YES, I am still a director and a designer, an actor (sometimes), a writer, AND A MANAGER!!! So what?

Where is the conflict of interest?

The interest of whom?

Of my artists in my roster? When actually I know a lot of our business from every side?

Of artistic directors of companies? When actually I know a lot of our business from every side?

All this opens the major theme...

REINVENTING OURSELVES…

We live in a time when IT IS A NEED!!!

In the generation before mine, when people were changing careers during their lifetime it was suspicious, something was wrong, something did not work…

These days are over, we have to stay open all the time to new challenges, new adventures, new possibilities. IT IS THE ONLY WAY to grow and progress and be ALIVE AND GIVE BACK WHAT WE KNOW! AND TO GIVE BACK IS TOTAL PLEASURE.

If our mind and our energy can be concentrating on a new adventure without neglecting the existing ones… why not? On the contrary, it will bring new assets and new vision.

Please keep your eyes open, your energy open, your creativity open…Your desire to grow open to new challenges!

Do not be complacent in your life when you appear to be in control of your destiny. If your dreams are fulfilled, DO NOT CLOSE THE DOOR TO REINVENTING YOURSELF, THIS HAS TO BE A PERPETUAL AIM OF LIFE!

My dear FORMER assistant, do not rest on your so called successes…soon, they will be the past, and today the past is today.

Yes, I am still a director and a manager and a million other things, SO WHAT?

Yes, I love what I do, being a director, being a manager, being a writer etc.… BECAUSE IT IS ALWAYS A CHALLENGE AND I DO NOT FALL ASLEEP IN THE ARMS OF COMFORT OR BOREDOM… and I sincerely hope I will be able to find the strength to go on until my last breath, even if some hate that in the name of a so-called CONFLICT OF INTEREST!!!! And I will continue to stay open to new adventures and new challenges….

My dear former assistant, I still love you as a son, please do not fall in the trap of being successful, success is only an image to your own VISION. Keep your eyes and your entire you open to new challenges, reinvent yourself all the time and your present work will benefit tremendously, even if you believe that you have reached the top of the tree... Remember there are always bigger trees and different kind or trees…And to advance in our own quest YOU have to try to claim new trees!!!

And keep in mind: Do not fall in the trap of those who may misguide you in trying to deny the people of significance in your past, because those people deserve to be appreciated today for their so-called “achievements.”

Remember the unfortunate line: They do not want to know me now because I knew them when they were nobody!!!

Also, now that you have responsibilities and people reporting to and relying on you, do not close their minds to appreciating exciting possible experiences because you believe you know it all…. Tell them that life is perpetually a new beginning, a new adventure, a new challenge, and ignore the ones who want to put you down for reasons I do not need to express.

I wish you the best my son!!!!

BELONGING ???

I really don't get the world I am living in anymore … Is it my advanced age or the fact that everything changes every day, and it is more and more difficult not to say impossible to follow the trends and the new ways of thinking, of approaching questions or even looking at the world with sanity and innocence.

It seems that all relations and relationships have changed, Sometimes I believe that I don't know how to talk to friends, to enemies, to family, to men, to women, to professional relations, to unknown people, to a bank teller, to a vegetable seller, to singers, to concierges, to doormen, to waiters and even less to waitresses, to workers, to garbage collectors, to directors of companies, to colleagues… TO NOBODY.

I never laugh when people are laughing, I laugh sometimes and I realize that I am the only one in the room to do so, and people look at me with an air of surprise or even contempt for the strange human being with a different sense of Humor.

I was a big movie goer, have seen thousands of movies but for the past few years I have been bored with most of movies but entertained by watching the news on TV which most of the time are pathetically boring for most of us.

I have the feeling I am not in touch with most of everything and it is not because I am not American born. I am even more of a stranger to the people of my origins… BUT I ALSO REALIZE THAT MORE AND MORE PEOPLE HAVE THE SAME FEELINGS I HAVE AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO THINK OR WHERE THEY BELONG.

In public, in our work, even with our friends we cannot address what we really feel about this one or that one, about an aspect of life without taking the risk to be seen as a strange person in the best case or an agitator and may be mental in other cases… but we can say whatever we want in ASSBOOK (my way of saying face book), commenting on other people life, making judgments about their actions and even quoting what they could have said or actually what we believe they could have said, and all of this with self-assurance, self-congratulating attitude and total impunity.

Society has found the way to be a gossiper while earning everyone's respect!

The point of reference in life today is the phone, the real secret to knowledge is to push the right button in order to have very fast answers with no time wasted to THINK and unfortunately the search for the acquisition of feelings, knowledge, culture is ridiculed.

It is not important anymore to know about the thoughts and ideas of the past in order to formulate new ideas, the answer to ANYTHING is to push the right click.

Some people make comments and judgments about others, talk about their life and their behavior when most of the time they have never met them or have witnessed what they denounce…VERY SAD…

We cannot have strong opinions about anything, we cannot express what we are thinking but at the same time we are free to say whatever about whoever, HOW CONFUSING!!!!!!

We have to be careful about the language we use in a working situation especially if we have a person of the opposite sex in the room and then we have to behave differently and we cannot talk about some subjects. I AM LOST!!!!!

We cannot for example in a rehearsal room tell singers of the opposite sex, in order to find the right mood of the character to think about the last time they made love because it is considered as sexual harassment or a language which is full of irreverence and lack of respect...

Everywhere we go we have to sign a declaration of good behavior and the paper we sign is warning us about what to do and not to do, but nothing is really precise or really understandable. WHAT?????

We all know about people who talk about us, about our habits, our behavior, our ideas, our way of living and most of the time the talk is full of negative comments, while these people have never met us or exchange one word with us. But it is easy to peddle rumors, and judgments.

Especially if we are part of the non-sinners.

I do not know what friendship means anymore, I do not know because most of my so called friends have other interests, and it seems that friendship today means LET’S HAVE A GOOD TIME TOGETHER.

I do not see often in the so called friendship the notion of sacrifice for somebody else, and it seems that life is becoming a succession of events and a race for …WHATEVER… and we have no power over it.

We cannot say anything to anybody anymore; everybody has good reasons to be who he is, to believe what he wants, to act following his desires…so why should we expect anything from anybody? Why should we believe that we know something?

I believed that to be good to some people deserved some recognition? After all these years navigating all over, I still did not get that to do nothing means to open the door to everything… expect nothing from anybody…do not ask anything…do not try to create anything…wait like an ass for things to happen, for the world to guide you, for other asses to tell you what to do when they finally look at you…Right? Guess what?

NO, NO… I refuse, life would be a torture and a total boredom.

Are we going to continue to accept this masquerade of life? What can we do? It seems that others impose on us who we are, what we do, how to think and what to think of others!! And we do all this to each other!!!

Too many people believe that life is what it is…. I do not…

Of course Fate and Destiny have a role to play and life is often a lottery but we should not believe that fate and destiny are the only determining factors, we have to believe that we can change the world or our world by shaping it, by interpreting it, by looking at it in a different way…AND BY REFUSING TO FOLLOW THE ONLY WAY KNOWN TOO OFTEN AS THE TREND.

Yes, sure, why not? If I think that way, soon I am going to believe I am somebody else…

The man who is walking in the street and who believes that he is being looked at… thinks what??? I do not know what he thinks and what to think…what do people REALLY think when they look at us or when they talk to us…

Kay Castaldo, my dear friend of 34 years died after a long battle with cancer.
My dear friend Kay is dead and it makes me angry because she was one of the rare persons who was still herself, a real human being, a woman full of thoughts and compassion, always looking for the truth and incapable of being nasty or destructive…

I am angry but I am not supposed to be the child full of anger of “the shattered sky” and the sky is not shattered anymore … Fifty years have passed since my anger of the shattered sky, fifty years?

Did wisdom take me over? But does wisdom leave some bitterness on truth? My youth: you are far away now, lost in memory, lost in the fog of life, but I keep some tenderness full of surprise for you. Surprise to see that I am another person built by life and by the vision of others…

I do not want to murder the truth anymore; I want to recreate the truth like I tried to do after all the years of wandering, but is it still possible? Do I still have the power, the desire, the strength, or even the opportunity??

Do we live in a time when we can recreate our truth? Is it this still possible? Or are we now the puppets of a world which dictates who we are according to the fashions, the internet, and the PHONE.

We have to have hope, hope that all of us will find a new balance and new ways to stay human in this world, to have compassion in this race for superficial successes and quest for pleasure.

Let’s keep in mind always that some of us knew how to stay real and compassionate and giving…

                             

Good bye Kay, It was an honor to have been your friend.

BETRAYAL OR NECESSITY….

The spring went fast, very fast, may be too fast….

It has been a very busy fall and even a busier winter with many events in business and private life!

Our UIA agency is growing immensely, my work as a director is extremely active with lots of satisfaction, Mozart in the jungle adventure, The Gari Foundation honor, meeting new interesting people, the selling of my beloved house in New jersey, and so on…

It seems that nothing is slowing down and everything continues to function, to happen, to advance and all this despite having celebrated my 71 birthday on December!

I have received many emails about many of these events, commenting this or that, sometimes even congratulating me, from people I have not heard about in years or even people I don’t know at all… 

But strangely enough, people I was expecting some kind of reaction from, people I thought were friends or at least were friends at some point in this long life full of events...from them I RECEIVED NOTHING...  not a word, not a comment, not a question... SILENCE...

It reminded me of all these people with whom I was a close friend in the past, at the beginning of their career, singers, directors, conductors, administrators, who became SOMEBODY (may be only in their own mind) and suddenly stopped being in touch with me! And even in some cases, disrupting their memory and act like if I did not exist!

Is it Betrayal or Necessity?

At one point in life do we have to renounce, ignore or even deny those who helped us to make it, those who were supporting us and even in some cases created us, and go ahead in a new attempt to finding an exit to a dead-end life?

Is their presence or even their memory a reminder of the years of struggle and we just decide to erase them for self-preservation?

Do we want to ignore who we were in order to build a new image, an image of achievement?

Is that a valid necessity in order to give to the surrounding world the idea of a strong and indestructible presence?

Did I do the same thing? I sincerely hope not!
On the contrary, I think I tried to keep present in my life those who helped me, who gave to me or even who paved the way to the next chapter!

I don’t think it is only a question of gratitude, I believe it can be a great joy to keep the past alive in our life with all its successes and failures. 

Let’s not dismiss the years of struggle and sometimes failures by eliminating the witnesses of that period of life!

It cannot be or should not be a necessity, but is it a betrayal?

Betrayal????

Am I using too dramatic a term? Is it a normal way of going thru life? I sincerely hope not! It is very frustrating and sometimes even painful to see these people acting that way.

PEOPLE PLEASE MAKE THE EFFORT IN YOUR BUSY SCHEDULE TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THOSE WHO KNEW YOU WHEN YOU WERE NOTHING OR NOBODY…

LETS NOT EVEN TALK ABOUT THE ONES WHO OWE US THEIR SUCCESS, THEIR FAME, THEIR CAREER ….

I could make a list of these individuals but as you all know I am a discreet man, and a reserved soul, so I will not, they will recognize themselves and hopefully will stop acting that way (not with me, it is too late) in the next stage of their life

Trust my experience, when the time comes AND IT WILL COME, when your fame and success is no longer there anymore, you will be alone with your mirror reflecting the image of a sad and lonely soul.

You will wonder what happened! Why do I have nobody to talk to? Nobody to express my doubts, my feelings, my thoughts with!

I remember with affection, and always try to have in my life the ones who gave me my first acting role or my first theater directing in the sixties, and later the ones who gave me my first opera job, my first assignment as head of a company, I am proud to show to them that I deserved their trust…

Of course we have to grow and advance and go on to the next step and the new chapter of life, we cannot carry with us forever every one we have met and cherished. Sometimes and even often, YES we have gone beyond them, BUT LET’S NOT IGNORE THEM, they are part of who we were, who we are and who we will become.

How can we really turn the page on somebody when the time comes?

I received often some emails about every new chapter or renewed chapter I am living…

You are acting again referring to Mozart in the jungle?

You are still directing Opera, not enough of it?

Do you still enjoy being a manager? And if yes, why?

Why are you still writing? What does that bring to you?

MY ANSWER IS SIMPLE: ALL OF THIS IS OFTEN A RENEWAL OF MYSELF, THE MEMORY OF THE FRIENDS I SOMETIMES DO NOT SEE ANYMORE, AND A WAY OF THANKING THE ONES WHO HELPED ME, WHO BELIEVED IN ME.

And sometimes, coming from nowhere, I received some messages about the blog from some of the Betrayers who have not been in touch for many, many years…                                                                

You are writing a blog? And some say..."what is your problem, are you a megalomaniac, a blog?  About your ideas, your feelings, your thoughts?

What a joke, who cares? Nobody wants to know! Nothing stops you? where do you find the time to do all this? You should take care of your real job.

."If they only knew...”

The blog? should I go on with it? Did I make again enemies with that?

May be I am acting with extreme outbursts AGAIN… May be what I call the betrayers were not really friends but just business acquaintances who needed me at one point in their life.

Friends???

BUT what does friendship really mean? I hear often from people:

Bernard, you are my friend, you are like a brother, I really like to be with you and in your company…    
They give me lots of words of friendship and love and everything…
But it is never followed by a real act showing friendship!!!!

Friendship should be based on WHAT WE DO for the ones we call friends and not based on words…
I know people around me who never REALLY had acts of friendship, who always dropped the ball when action is necessary, who go the other way, but continue to call me their friend, and react like I am unreasonable when I show my disappointment!

Enough with that masquerade!!!!

So, Do I have to believe that the betrayers were not betrayers, that just they were not real friends?

How sad, how depressing to believe that we have been used by some in order for them to advance in their life! But even if that is the case, can they have some moments of gratitude or at least stop ignoring us?                                    

Can they just try to be REAL and keep some integrity towards themselves? Probably they have lost the contact with their own reality or even never had a notion of it...
Or maybe they just invented superficial ENTERTAINMENT in order to forget the obligations of life and of human conduct! Pascal was right when he wrote Les Pensees...mankind has invented entertainment in order to forget the void of the soul...                                                                                                                                    

Life goes so fast, every year the days, the months are faster and shorter.

I feel sometimes that all is passing in front of my eyes, my soul and I miss more and more the ones who were in my life, the ones I helped and the ones who helped me!
Where are they, what happen to them, where are the friends and even where are the betrayers? So many passed away or are retired or forgotten in the tunnel of life!   
                                                                     
Can we really have some kind of action or influence on the betrayers or should we ignore them? 

                                                                                                                                                                    Is it a NECESSITY to dismiss them in order to forget the BETRAYAL?

...

TO BE OR NOT TO BE

I have been spending the past few weeks assaulted by innumerable thoughts dominating my mind, my feelings, my reasoning, even my loneliness.  

Yes, the shattered sky of my youth is no more, the sky has changed its color…I look at my youth and I forgive it… 

The child full of anger is gone, the adolescent and the young man who wanted to murder the truth and deny reality have vanished …But I still feel an affection full of wonder for all that, the marvel of noticing that you are gone, and are someone else constructed by life and by the vision of others. 

Yes, you have disappeared into the fog of existence.                                                                          

Am I still capable of rebuilding the world or am I the victim of the impossibility of being myself?

It is time to trust the truth, to welcome the truth, to accept the truth …But what kind of truth?
The truth that is part of the lies of our imagination? The truth of so many unfinished fantasies?

Fifty years have passed since the times when looking at a blue sky from the corner of a room in Paris filled me with hopes and desires!

The time when I thought I was invincible, when the world was going to be mine, when nothing could frighten me, when being a twenty-year old child, a refugee from another country, filled me with passion, strength and the need to become somebody.
A “somebody” who would soon be on top of everything, at the summit of the Kilimanjaro.

Yes, I was going to prove to the world that I could be the person that populated my childhood dreams, nothing could stop me, not even my friends…

Fifty years!!!! ??? Where did all that time go?

Yes, the sky has muted… I look at my youth and forgive myself, the child full of anger is not there anymore, or at least he is almost gone,

Did wisdom overtake me? But does wisdom leave an aftertaste of bitterness to the truth? The Bernard of my youth is far away now, the adventurer full of imagination and capable of taking huge risks is just a memory, a source of stories, a reservoir of experiences.

They all want to know: Is all this true? Is your life for real? But what true mean?
Everything is true…Yet everything is invented…There is only one truth, the one we want, the one we choose…

I am called a tormented soul… A tormented soul? Not at all…It's only a mind trying to understand the meaning of all this, the reason for being lost in the eternity of life, my life and other lives.
I am not tormented, the young man I was, was not tormented, on the contrary he learned how to dominate adversity, he learned how to try to remain himself in the puzzle of life, he was capable of staying strong and in control of himself…

I miss him, the young man that I was, I miss his passion, his vision!

What happened?

Forty Three years since my decision to start again from scratch, to start from nowhere, to go conquer the new world…where did those 43 years go? 

They marched past faster than the years of youth lost trying to understand, trying to live, trying not to be lost at sea.

I look at my current bio and I smile, and sometimes I laugh.

“Bernard Uzan has dedicated his life to the development of the performing arts industry for the past 50 years. His extensive background in the Performing Arts includes great achievement as a General Director, Artistic Director, Stage Director, Artist Manager, Set Designer, Librettist, Educator, Actor, published Novelist and Internet Journalist. This season, Mr. Uzan received a lifetime achievement award from the Giulio Gari Foundation,
This year he also received a nomination for his role In Mozart in the jungle on TV.”

Is this really what I did? The little boy, the refugee from Tunis, immigrating to France and then to America really did this?

What does this have to do with the anger of my youth? Does life take over completely? Is fate shuffling the cards year after year, day after day?

Did I really want to do all this? Or was it just pure ambition? Or incredible luck? Or the talent to manipulate others? Or being controlled by…. Everybody and Everything!

How can all this have happened? Who am I really? It seems that each moment of life has its own turn of events…

I remember that I wrote somewhere along time ago:

“I put on a black pants that were as tight as possible and a black shirt that was also as black as possible…I am leaving for New York to teach in a university: Sartre, Ionesco and Beckett, I am 28 and I am going to a famous university to teach The Theater of Absurd!
How ironic! Me, teaching the ABSURD… I have excellent personal references to teach the absurd…

My life had been absurd from day one and now I am going to America to teach THE THEATER OF ABSURD…wonderful!"

That was the starting point of a new chapter, after acting in absurd roles in the theater in Paris, I was going off to America for almost the same reason…

And then I stayed…In the country that gave me a new life, new hopes, and a new ME… A country where I could dream, I could be myself, be different but in a positive way…
Thank you America, you are really the land of opportunity and new beginnings.

Too many people believe that life is what it is, that we cannot do anything about it, that events will lead us…
I do not… I do not believe in destiny, I do not believe in fate, I believe that we can change the world, or at least the world we are leaving in, by working incessantly, by remodeling it, by interpreting it, by looking at it a different way…

Yes, reinventing yourself all the time, rethinking yourself all the time, taking calculated risks but taking risks, jumping on all the passing trains, staying open to others, listening to new ideas, understanding what is possible, what is true, what is not, continuing to build on your experiences, accumulating knowledge until the last whisper, believing that some and many before us knew more that we do, finding inspiration in others, having admiration for many and contempt for some, being ALIVE by always being ready to learn how to change in order to question and challenge yourself …

To feel humility and grandeur at times, knowing that we know nothing and that we know a lot, sharing our knowledge and our curiosity to know more. To avoid ever or as little as possible falling into the trap of self-satisfaction, always questioning our knowledge, our certainties, our beliefs…having a perpetual working mind, yes it is terribly exhausting but also so totally fulfilling…

TO BE OR NOT TO BE…THAT IS THE QUESTION

No, it is not a question… the answer is obvious and simple…TO BE is the only way, the only possibility and the only duty.

And I chose to be, sometimes to the detriment of myself or sometimes in spite of the negative reaction coming from others. Many times, some want us to be a “Has been”, which is normal, the new ones who want TO BE are fighting and struggling like we did, so the truly important question is: when should I stop TO BE.

Is there a point in time if we do not stop being, when it becomes annoying and even indecent?

Yes the sky is no longer shattered, the sky had its many grey and black clouds for so many years but it was always cleared by positive thoughts, a desire for a more radiant sun, an appetite for a blue truth and always looking for life's next adventure.

Maybe some of the ways of youth had disappeared, hopefully replaced by the wisdom of maturity.
By staying vigilant we can rebuild the broken sky and go forward.
So fresh and so clean.

LOVE POEMS

THE VAGABOND

Now Paris will always be foggy and grey

Please somebody give me your hand, so I can go on

Paris again fills me with sorrow, like it did all my life

Please give me your hand, so I can go on.

 Not been back to Paris since my desertion and my attempt to be a man of the world.

"Bernard come to 17 Pierre Demours street,

Make it fast there is very little hope,

At the last hour of his life he whispered your name

And say: Where is Bernard? Where is he? "

Only this message sent me back to the dreaded city.

The city of the nightmares of my adolescence.

I arrived in the pale morning and already Paris had a pasty ghostly complexion.

After all these years of wandering and separation,

His scream was tearing apart our silence

His scream was breaking my heart, again.

Since my departure away of his beloved soul, I had hoped for news, but nothing, ever...

This painful stone of my life, this now unknown to me

Was calling the vagabond and needed his touch.

After all these years of attempt to forget.

17 rue Pierre Demours, the little room at the end of a hallway

The little room of our childhood engraved in my memory

Was still there.

Sitting in a cold and white light 

Three men already dressed in black were waiting for me

I did not ask any question, I said nothing

They looked at me, I understood that I had arrived too late

Once Again…

He was already gone like before, again he had not waited for me.

I came back for one night for the last travel and the last desire

Hoping may be to be warmed by his smile,

But he was already gone without a farewell or without an "I missed you".

In the path of life, he will be unknown forever

I do not want him swollen by the dirt of death                                                                                         But on a bed of roses forever…the roses of my memory.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Roses I had wished to share with him all my life                                                                               And now wilted and wilted…

My brother, my brother

Paris will now be even foggier and greyer

And I cannot remember.

The Paris sky will fill me with sorrow and despair forever.

Please somebody give me your hand, so I can go on…

LOVE LOST

So many hours, so many days, so many long nights since you left

I cannot even remember your departure.

You said: this time it’s the last travel, I promise

For our suffering hearts it is the last falling, I promise

At spring you will see I be back to you, I promise

And you are not here! And you are not here!!!

Tell me, try to tell me when you will be back

It is now spring

 And…

Spring is so beautiful to talk about love!

Let’s look again at the flowers in gardens and laugh and may be smile

Or wander together in the streets of an unknown city, wondering.

But you are not here

Do you only know that life cannot be postponed?

And

Lost time does not come back and becomes smoke or shadow?

Spring is gone for a long time,

Even the dead leaves of autumn are melted

And the fireplace of winter is now quiet

Without you here, without you because gone.

 I am wondering about you and trembling and feeling empty

I look for you in every room, in every corner, in every ghost

And I find only the image of your memory.

And I hurt for love and I hurt for you.

Tell me when you will be back

Lost time does not come back and becomes smoke.

Even if I still love you, even if I love only you

Even if I love you with love

I do not understand your absence

So tell me the why or the why …

And

I will build of you the only memory of my youth                                

My most beautiful one, my most tender one.

I will go on with my wandering to try to find another sun to warm myself

I am not the kind of man to die of sorrow

I do not have the virtue of the crucified souls

But tell me when you will be back

THERE IS NO HAPPY LOVE

Nothing is ever given to mankind, neither his strength nor his weakness or his love                              And when he believes he is opening his arms to love                                                                             He has the shadow of a cross or the fantasy of opening arms.

 When he believes he is holding happiness, he is crushing love                                                                 Life is a strange and painful divorce…

There is only unhappy love

 My beautiful love, my dear love, my wound,                                                                                           I carry you in me like an absent soul, they look at us wandering                                                    Without knowing our hurt and our disarray                                                                                               They repeat after me the words I have braded                                                                                 There is only unhappy love.

Time to learn how to live, it is already too late                                                                                        In the night our hearts cry together for a song                                                                                           For the regrets and the sobbing of an unfinished poem.
There is only unhappy love
There is no love without pain
There is no love without cry
There is no love without emptiness                                                                                                   There is only unhappy love


CRAZY LOVE
To love until losing your mind                                                                                                              To love with no restraint                                                                                                                       To have one as a last horizon                                                                                                                 To know seasons only when you depart 
Hunger exhaustion and cold and                                                                                                                All miseries of the world                                                                                                                      

 I survive it because of my love for you
I love to extinction
I love until despair
My love is a unending dream and even a unending nightmare                                                                                                              


Where are You?  Where are You?
If I only knew You,
I would love You                                                                                                                        and                                                                                                                                                           Cherish You and have You part of me                                                                                                Like a unending song of hopes and pleasure                                                                                         Like the non-told story of the world                                                                                                      

Is there a crazy Love that’s is not crazy?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

ALONE

Now what will I do with all that time that will be my life                                                                  With all these people who are for me nobody since you are gone.
Tonight my son my little boy my child my love it is raining out                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   In our home you look like her so much.
We are together and we going to play together ...
We together, you and me ...
Alone.


Tonight she is not coming back…Why? I do not know, I don’t know anymore.                                      She will write tomorrow, maybe we will have a letter                                                                             It is raining on the garden…                                                                                                                     I am going to make a fire                                                                                                                           I have no sorrow since we are together
Alone
Wait, do not cry, I know tales and stories                                                                                           Once upon a time…It is raining in my memory… I can’t remember…

No, don’t cry, wait!  I know tales and stories                                                                                           Stories of people who love each other
Tales of people who love each other
Do not go, do not leave me ….                                                                                                               Alone


I don’t know anymore how to light a fire, my child, my friend                                                           But we are here together in this too big room,
Alone                                                                                                                                                      

Tonight she will not be here, I don’t know,
I don’t know anymore...
I don’t like winter alone, the fire is gone
There is nothing to do, except for you and me to play
Alone                                                                                                                                          

Wait… Do not cry…I know stories…                                                                                                     Once upon a time… I cannot remember,,,I have no memory left.

No… Don’t cry…I know stories…                                                                                                           Once upon a time….But it is a little late tonight                                                                                     Do you want a story about people who loved each other?

Listen…She’s not here anymore…Don’t cry...
We can play at war and you will fall asleep…                                                                                           I cannot do anything anymore…You look like her so much!

Sleep my son, sleep in my arms                                                                                                         You’re not alone… Soon I be back for you, and I will ….

You’re not alone.