left permanent wounds, with irreparable results, iI found the way or ways to defy, control, and overcome them and even turn them to my advantage.
While the middle years of my life were the time to build and a huge investment in time and energy in what I believed was my purpose, and my future, the past 25 years have been incredibly satisfying, fulfilling and recently even gratifying.
So many experiences, so many questions, sometimes with answers, and at others left unanswered...
So many dreams fulfilled, so many other dreams turned into nightmares.
Yes, many dreams were fulfilled, without knowing at the time, that they were dreams but a belief that I
deserved the opportunity...My hard work and dedication were responsible for the fulfillment of those
dreams, I never invoked luck, or the help of others, of even fate... I believed it was all the normal consequence of my knowledge, my culture, my growing up with the philosophers and the books on the history of humanity... For most of my life I was certain that it was all meant for me, it was a payback for my devotion, sacrifices and wounds.
BUT WITH TIME AND AGE I REALIZE THAT WE HAVE NOTHING COMING TO US,
NOTHING IS GRANTED, AND SOCIETY OR OTHERS HAVE NO OBLIGATIONS TO US
EITHER.
DREAMS!!!!
As a child my greatest dream was to become a movie star, then later a great theater actor... While I had parts in a few movies, and many, many theatrical plays as an actor, I never became the great actor I wanted to be so badly...
I FOUND OTHER WAYS...
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE BEFORE IT S TOO LATE TO ADJUST OUR DREAMS TO THE
REALITY OF EVERY DAY LIFE, TO A PERIOD, A STYLE, A SOCIETY, OR AN ART.
I see too many young and not so young people insisting in their dreams without trying to adjust them,
without having the courage to confront the reality, not everybody can become a movie star, and not everybody can become a famous opera singer or even be able to make a living from the art form...
Yes me have to try, yes we must persist, yes we have to believe in ourselves, yes we must also do
everything possible...But at some point, we have to face the facts and accept how we are perceived...Of course, many others with less talent than us are successful but THAT IS NO EXCUSE, they are touched by different dimensions than ours, and they have their own history.
Dreams cannot and should not lead our life forever...because waking up too late will be very hard.
If we accept the fact that our dream can and will become only a hobby, then yes, why not? there is nothing wrong in accepting the facts of life, and it can be difficult BUT WE MUST DO IT before the
DREAMS BECOME NIGHTMARES.
We must see the truth, and unfortunately not enough people around us will help see it for a million reasons, some of them BEING SUPPORTIVE, BEING DISCREET, OR SAYING "I do not have the right to interfere in his dreams."
Even so-called friends will not...
Friends? Are they also part of a dream?
I have met many, many people, and how many really did become friends?
Friends????
What is it to be a friend? It seems that the more I advance in age, the fewer friends I have...But did I ever have friends?
During childhood and adolescence for a million reasons I did not have many friends...A few years ago
I went back to Paris to meet with family I had not not seen for more than 50 years, it was an extraordinary event, a pilgrimage back to my childhood, to relive my lost memories... more than 200 people were there to meet the lost child, the one who left to go to America for a new life and pursue his dream, the one dream that most knew nothing about...
Actually, to go to America was a way for me to avoid pursuing in Paris the unfulfilled dreams of my childhood.
A few days later, a cousin asked me for lunch and I agreed... Huge surprise, sitting around a table there were 12 or 13 men my age, and I recognized all of them...they had not changed in 50 years, I could even remember their names, kids who were in school with me in Tunis...An avalanche of memories and stories and tears and laughs... A bunch of mature men behaving like kids, and all of us bragging about women and family and children.BUT ARE THEY FRIENDS? WERE THEY FRIENDS EVEN THEN?
Was that another dream?
In my young adulthood, for a million reasons I did not have many friends... I was too busy building a life, too selfish to help anybody, too self centered to look around...Yes, I met hundreds of people, sometimes I was with some people regularly and sometimes seeing them every day rebuilding the world together with great theories about society, love, religion, politics. But WERE THEY FRIENDS OR JUST ACQUAINTANCES?
Was that another dream?
In middle age, for a million reasons I did not have many friends...I was always the man in charge, the leader of something, the general of an army that sometimes did not like the commander...Yes, I have been invited to a million places, yes i have seen some individuals often for long periods, yes I have exchanged ideas, stories and emotions... But WERE THEY FRIENDS OR JUST JUST FRIENDS OF THE MOMENT?
And now on the edge of old age, I do not have many friends.
Recently, some people who called themselves friends of mine have disappeared in the clouds;
In the recent years I have been surprised, shocked, depressed, angered, disappointed, humiliated, betrayed by some individuals who were calling themselves friends.
After I helped men and women to become somebody, they turned their back and ignored my very existence once they believed they had reached a level of success or achievement, with the excuse that it was better for their companies, for a better life, and best for WHATEVER.
Is it because I am not a good person?
Is it because I had offended them without knowing it?
Is it because I can do less for them?
Is it because They believe I do not need anything anymore?
Or maybe because I am not worth it?
Or even worse because THEY WERE NEVER FRIENDS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Was that another dream???
In our world, we meet new people constantly: we share for a few weeks, a few months, sometimes for
years: ideas, art, everyday work... and because of this very close relationship, we share personal thoughts, personal feelings, and personal moments.
Perhaps I do not now what a friend is, may be I do not understand the definition of the word Friend.
In my mind, a friend is somebody for whom I will do anything I can in difficult periods of life, Somebody I can give my time, my support, my affection and who will do the same thing for me.
Dreams of career, dreams of love, dreams of friendship, dreams of dreams are the engine of life, but we have to know and to accept when it is time to wake up and to choose other dreams, and learn how to love other possibilities of achieving the balance of our life.
Who wants to have the same dream every night? NOT ME, it becomes a nightmare!
DREAMS...DREAMS...DREAMS... The absolute necessity to be able to function, to create, to share, to give, to demand, to accept, to deny...But sometimes unfulfilled and dangerous.
So, when we finally open our eyes, lets change the dream and go on with life.
