MEKTOUB…

Today I am up at 4 15 AM.                                                              Mary met Joseph a day like every other day… another day supposed to bring nothing special. I look around and I see only people submerged by the decease of our time : absence of happiness… Happiness seems to be part of an old fairy tale…Was it like that 20 years ago and I was not aware of it? I am overwhelmed by the feeling that all around me, there is only stress and distress , attempts to be, search for a possible truth .

Mary met Joseph a day not like every day… A day when Joseph wanted to be another himself and Mary wanted to meet the Mary who was hiding herself under the blankets of society, the smokes of appearance .

It seems that everybody is looking for a refuge in the easiest artifices, the masks of a disguised truth and then falls again in the hallways of despair, the sewers of distress,  and despite all this I see as always the need to be recognized and accepted.            

 I look at all my stuff, my books, my trinkets, my statues, my masks, my dolls. Did I spend most of my life working like a demented person just to buy more of that crap ?   I look at all my awards , Oscars, prizes, award plaques, and I smile in front of the silliness of it…                                                                                                       

The shattered sky becomes more shattered every day.                                                                                                                               

I received the following email from a friend living in Europe, I will keep it unknown since I am so discreet, as you know….

“Already distressful news about my world.. I just came back from the local (office)branch. On the way there I had to pull over like ten times to let the ambulances pass. It is unbelievable....Only one doorman and an assistant were there. The others are sick or in isolation as contacts of other sick people. Euffff. The assistant was having a ''to do list'' of a few feet in length. It is crystal clear that he won't manage anything in due time………………..... At 4 pm, when I got back to the city, the main DHL office was already closed. There are several others in the neighborhoods, but I checked on google and all get closed now at 4 pm. The severe mandates start taking effect on Monday, but they do not apply to ''boostered'' people, so I am a free person in a dying country (how horrible this sounds!). …….Here  the situation is desperate, my students, who go to hospitals for other courses and practical activities, are in depression and tell me that it is literally a warzone there. Even the mortuaries are full and dead bodies lie outside in black bags. 99% unvaccinated. The President finally realized the outcome of the politics ''we set up vaccination centers even in McDonald's and McDrive, next it's up to you'' and yesterday appointed as prime-minister a general (military) who successfully commanded troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. Now the situation will be handled like in the army and a population that in the last 6 months protested, rioted and distributed unimpeded crazy ideas will suddenly face army-like mandates and punishments. From an extreme to another, but currently there is no other way.” 

Unfortunately, the situation is not much better in New York city. It is now 6 am...After a painful night , awakened so many times by the sirens of the police, the ambulances, and by the screaming of the people in the streets, I get up and I look out the window,  It is dark out and only a few homeless in the street...                      

 I live near Columbus circle, supposedly a great neighborhood, street construction is the beautiful view I have...                            

More construction everywhere every day.                                    

All streets in New York look the same, a non-answer to the 

anguish and the fear...

We are submerged with non-collected garbage, in every 

corner of every street  workers are digging huge holes 

probably checking and replacing rusty pipes (symbol of our 

soul), it is even difficult to drive on these roads which are not 

tarred or asphalted; to follow the covid restrictions, restaurants 

are invading the streets, cars and delivery trucks double parked 

all over, bicycles going like crazy with no respect at all for red 

lights, for one way street, for NOTHING….                              

Most of people walking looking at their phone ,  scaffoldings in 

front of each building , and huge cranes blocking the traffic…

To drive in the city is going to war and It is even dangerous to 

walk out during the day, since we have to keep an eye all the 

time at who is approaching us, who looks strange, who looks 

like a possible aggressor…

…..  

                                                                                                         My head is spinning with disgust, my stomach is full of strange 

ideas. Again memories and millions of images are assaulting me.                                                   

            

 Je pars A la recherche du temps perdu   …. ( Title of a beautiful 

book by Marcel Proust)

 I am floating in an ocean  … This morning the ocean is 

incredibly ideal, ideal temperature, no waves, no seeds, No 

JELLYFISH...and NOBODY around! Che Pace!!!!  0r may be 

because it is very early in the morning and everybody continues 

to be asleep , missing some moments of life.... I walk in the water, 

I swim, I float, and I dream... And I think and I remember...all 

the oceans and seas I have plunged my body at one time young 

and strong.

The Mediterranean sea in Carthage near Tunis, the ocean in Martinique, the sea in Madagascar, The red sea and the Caspian sea and the Caribbean sea or the beaches of Dar Es Salaam or South Africa or Sweden or ten others… One day , I will write about my travels in Africa, in Asia ( Especially in Nepal and Afghanistan),  in Europe.

 And I think about my achievements to ignore the incredibly challenging times we are all living.                                                                                                                                                       Achievements? Did I really achieve anything? 

What does achievement really mean? Is it to be recognized for what we have done? What is the purpose of all this? Sometimes we know how to make important what really is not!!!! ... It seems every day that the world is being controlled by non-capable people, every day we hear about the nomination of somebody with no experience in a position of knowledge and responsibilities …What have we done? Where are the dreams we had 20, 30 years ago of an equal society? Everybody is  just struggling for more power, more influence, more justification of his own wellbeing . Another person has been chosen to be in charge of a very important business…Somebody with so much personal ambition that he reminds me the careerist, the social climber, the go-getter of the Bourgeois class in the 19 century Paris, he acts like he is from a Balzac novel.......Revolting...

Convince people that we know what we are talking about...some of us have the great talent to become a reference to their own truth...They don’t know more than anybody but they are succeeding in making believe that they KNOW...They talk well, they are full of self-importance, they pontificate about the most banal things, they make the obvious become a vision, and since we live in a culture with no culture, many are looking for their opinion., but people have no shame? The most surprising is that I am still asking this question, I had the answer a very long time ago...Shame is an invention of religion, it is not part of our basic psyche, we do not know shame, some are just afraid to be caught, exposed, or shown, so we are ashamed....It makes me laugh or grin...   

It is now 8 am.                                                                                                                                                                                                                         It is raining...I am 77 years old and I am wondering why, why 

what? I do not even know…I never needed recognition, so why? 

Why?    Really ? I never needed recognition? Is that true  ?   Or 

am I dreaming again of being special???   Or maybe it is my 

French accent??? Ah ah ah…                                                                                                                                                    I miss the theater,  am I addicted to the theater? The smell of 

the theater, the darkness, the ghosts, the silent laughs and cries, 

the only place where we all can be ourselves, protected by the 

anonymity, the character, the disguise...Live an entire destiny in 

a few hours, go thru many, many lives with the words of 

another...                                                                                                                                                                    

We have an expression in my family “ MEKTOUB” meaning 

“IT WAS WRITTEN”.                                                                       

Should we accept MEKTOUB or fight it ?  Fight it by finding 

new ways, new thoughts, and adapt to new realities… Yes, life 

goes on and still will give us great joys, great achievements, and 

beautiful memories, 

SO LETS GO ON, I DO NOT ACCEPT 

                           MEKTOUB

 

 NEW BEGINNINGS…

 

As you know, for the past 3 years I have been trying to go back to my youth in order to renew with my passion …ACTING…Becoming somebody else, finding the reality in the character, making research about the period, the family history, etc.…

I had a few interesting experiences, appearing in TV series and Netflix movies…Always small supporting roles or even appearances, nothing really overwhelming, but I have been acting…   

With JOY!...                                                                                                                                                

But the best was around the corner, the past few months I became the first choice for many companies, commercials, TV series for a very specific role… I am now very much in demand for a role I was not expecting to do in my life… 

In the sixties and the seventies, I was cast as a lead and most of the time, I was a young adventurer, or a young lover, or a successful whatever…. So, I was   not expecting to be… Try to guess… 

Here is the description:                                                                                                                              I am an old man, in a nursing home or a retirement community, or an assisted living…. I have Dementia or Alzheimer’s, I cannot really talk freely, cannot remember anything, I am lost in a foggy world, I walk with difficulty and only with the help of a nurse or a walker…                             Most of the time sitting on a wheelchair, or in bed …Dressed in Pyjamas or in a nightdress, I am asked to smile a lot, since the nursing home is treating me so well, and also, I have to be thankful to my helpers……

Most of the time, the dialogue is limited, I am just uttering a few words, and smiling or making faces… Most of the time, the director does not ask anything specific, and I heard many times from many of them: DO NOT ACT, BE YOURSELF … YOU ARE PERFECT FOR THIS ROLE…

You are laughing!!!   STOP LAUGHING!!!! Stop….

 I always felt very sorry for the older people with this fate in their life, and now I feel even sadder to portray them, I can understand even better what they are going through.

So, in a way I am back at the time when I was studying acting with Jean Louis Barrault and Tania Balachova. The method acting, the Stanislavski way…DO NOT ACT…USE WHO YOU ARE… I have been trained to play roles from Shakespeare, Tolstoy, or Moliere…And now, I can use all this knowledge by staying myself in total integrity,  being an old man in a nursing home with Dementia or Alzheimer’s… TO BE MYSELF….

Here is an example of a scene:

It is 8 am, and I am in my room sitting on my wheelchair, waiting for the nurse to come and talk to me… She enters…

-Good morning! How are you today?

- ?????? (I do not answer, I just smile)

-Hello, did you sleep well?

-What???

- Did you sleep well?

-Eh?

-Are you ready to take you pills?

-My pills?

-Yes, your pills.

-Ah, ah, ah, you are funny, my father was taking pills all the time, but you know, I do not. I want to thank you to come to see me. You kkkkk…nnnn..owwww, a long time ago, I was capable of doing many things, even to take pills, not anymore, now I need you Ms.…?  what is your name? I cannot remember…

- Julia.

-Oh yes, of course, thank you so much, thank you Lydia…. For visiting me…

ETC…ETC… AND STOP LAUGHING IT IS NOT FUNNY…                                                                                     

After a few minutes of silence, while Julia is preparing my potion, I have to say:

-Andrea play some music, some Beethoven. 

Silence

-Andrea, play for me… 

Silence

-Lydia, Andrea is not responding. 

 -Do you mean Alexa?                                                                                                                                

 -Oh yes, Alex, play some music, some Schubert.

 

The nurse gives me pills and I continue to be in another world.  Once I started to improvise some text and the director said nothing, he let me go, and then after a few minutes, he said:

-Wonderful, you see when you do not act and you are yourself, you are perfect…

This morning while I was writing this, I received another offer to be again a patient with Dementia who now has cancer… I am progressing, it is becoming more intricate…

I knew I will reach this level with age; I knew I will be recognized as a famous actor…  Here it is, being myself in a nursing home, the role of my life...

I remember in the sixties, I was performing In a Theater in Paris…The play was by Alfred de Musset, the title is LES CAPRICES DE MARIANNE…. Two main male characters, Octave and Celio...I was sharing the dressing room with the other actor, I was Octave, he was Celio…

One evening before the performance, somebody knocked at the door of our dressing room, and we opened the door. It was the director of the company.

-Be good tonight, Jean Louis Barrault is in the audience.

-Oh God, really?

-Yes… Be good…

Barrault was the number one theater man in France, considered as a genius actor and Director and having a school for young actors… My colleague and I went crazy, screaming joy and fear…Yes. we will be great tonight… And we went on stage…

At the end of the performance, we are back in the dressing room, trembling of expectations, hoping that Barrault liked us…

Knock at the door, we open, Barrault is in front of us, a very short man, and very skinny and very withered…We almost fell on our knees in front of the genius who came to see us... but his voice stopped us…

-Boys, you did an excellent job, I can see that both of you worked a lot on your role, it was well done, congratulations but I have to add that one of you has a lot of talent… And he left without a goodbye, without a word...  I was in chock, not knowing what to say, my colleague started to laugh and laugh and laugh...

 He said:

-That was funny, don’t you think?

-I do not think it was funny at all…

The next 30 days, twenty-four performances, he continued to laugh each night talking about Barrault, and each night I was furious screaming my anger…. Life can be strange, the name of my colleague was Gerard Depard…, I am sure you know him...

But I have to add that 3 months later, Barrault hired me to be his assistant on a new play.

Now, I am back to acting, and according to the directors I am working with, not acting but being myself, an old man with Dementia or Alzheimer’s in a nursing home…VIVE LA DIFFERENCE    

One more thing, I am increasingly challenged by the world we are living in. I do not think it is funny, but it seems that the least we know, the best chances we have to advance in the latter of life especially if we are capable of using all the new ways of being a social climber… I sincerely hope that  the next generation will go back to what is for me the only way to grow: Learn from the great creators of the past, and be hungry for knowledge, maybe I am just dreaming or living In a past which does not mean anything anymore… sometimes I have hope that the next generation will follow that way…And I have dreams when I see my granddaughter, Sophia, who is 2 years old and 5 months sitting on the floor, turning the pages of a book…The book being  BIRTH OF THE TRAGEDY by Nietzsche…I am adding a picture of her in this blog with the  book..  New beginnings????

Ok, time to go back to concentrate on how to be myself for my next apparition as an old man with dementia in a nursing home.

PS I received now everyday spam like this one

[uzan]
Why This Mad Scientist Is Being Sued By Big Pharma For Revoking Alzheimer

 

CORAGGIO…COURAGE…

Three of my dear friends are suffering from Cancer and are in a hospital for radiation and chemo…Many, too many died in the past few years… Every day we learn about a friend, an acquaintance being very sick or even sometimes who passed away, not only because of covid, but many other reasons…I believe that the stress we have been living for the past 2 years is one of the reasons of this hecatomb…

And now with the Variant we are back to step one of the tragedies… and we are again trembling of fear.

Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer, and had to go through radiation… I was victorious of my cancer, and I want my friends to know they will  be victorious too.                                                                                                                                              

MY FRIENDS I KNOW YOU WELL, I KNOW YOU ARE STRONG AND CONFIDENT, SO just stay YOURSELF and think about the next chapter of your life…Every day will be a challenge, but you are not alone, and we are all thinking of you and sending you all we have and all we can. I know that loving people around you are giving you the full support you need, but please know that we too are here for you.

Of course, it is not easy to go through that kind of challenge and I have painful memories about my struggle with cancer… I wrote about it a long time ago and here are some excerpts about that experience.

 I gave the title Memories of the house of the living to my experience fighting cancer:     

“I am lying down for my first radiation. Incapable or more exactly told not to move a little finger or even one hair on my head. They put me in a box, no it is not a box, they call it a BODY MOLD... my legs and my arms are blocked, my back is blocked, my head is blocked, even my mind seems to be blocked... I feel what a mummy in a sarcophagus must be feeling. The hospital prepared this MOLD for me, taking all my measurements, they wanted it to be perfect and be sure I will feel comfortable during the radiations, Ah! Ah! Ah!

 I chose for the BODY MOLD the color blue, the color of hope...hope????!!!!!... Ah! Ah! Ah! I really had a sense of humor. Ah! Ah! Ah! But now in my mold, I cannot laugh, it could be dangerous, we never know!!!                                                                                                

………………………………………                                                                                                                                                      

I lost the notion of time, I have no idea how long I have been in this box, no sorry this BODY MOLD... Ten minutes, twenty? Thirty? No idea... I am just looking at the ceiling trying to see a smile, but nothing. Then suddenly a machine comes above me and turn and turn, it is a robot, nobody else is in the room... Robert-this is the name I gave to the robot- is dancing around me, the radiation is starting, it is called cyber knife, to destroy my cancer. I am in the mold waiting for ...not even Godot… Godot disappeared from my life a long time ago… I am not waiting for him anymore; I am in my mold, and I have no idea of passing time... 

I let a flood of images conquer me. I can still see myself, back from the urologic center, alive and pissing blood like the fountain di Trevi visited by Dracula after a big meal of raw meat.             

Besides all this, I feel great, like a poppy rocked by a light "brise" in the spring fields of the mountains of Sarajevo. I put inside my underpants a white virginal towel acting like a diaper, and I know now what it will be to be incontinent, impotent, senile, and gaga soon.

 I go back for the radiation every day for a week, and I have the great opportunity to think again about life, about future, and about youth. Oh, my youth where are you?

Yes…Only yesterday, I was twenty years old, I played with life taking risks and fighting fate, I was living at night without thinking about the time disappearing in the sunrise. I ran and ran and became breathless by ignoring the past and believing only in the future. I wasted time believing I could stop it in my favor …. I had so many hopes and I had thousands of aspirations which were never completed, and now in my mold I have the feeling that I am lost not knowing where to go, my eyes looking at the robot turning on me… And I thought I loved horror movies. Too many friends are gone and will not be back and I feel guilty not to have done enough for them, and sometimes to have been negative to their dreams.

Did I spoil my young years throwing away real possibilities. I thought my opinion about everything was the best and I could criticize the entire world with despise. I finally was left with really nothing except to be able to pontificate about all my travels in the world, and also a few wrinkles on my face and the fear of being bored.  WHERE ARE MY BEST YEARS???  “  

That was some lines I wrote about my cancer a long time ago…. Ten years…                      

And now I want my friends to feel safe and not to feel alone. I was in a mold, like my friends must be in bed in the hospital with all kinds of transfusions and so many images in their head, but I came out of the mold and kill my cancer like I did with so many lions in my life…And I expect my friends to do the same, and I know they will and later we will talk about it as an experience of survival….Yes, time has passed, and life went on, and the cancer became just a memory of bad times buried in many others… In my present state of mind there is not too much to look at, very little to discover. But a voice seems to whisper to me: go on, do not renounce… The same voice I heard all my life in the difficult moments, the voice of eternity, the voice of courage, the voice of hope we have to continue to cherish. The voice whispers: You will vanquish… You will, I promise…A voice? Is it a human voice?                                                                                                   

 La voix humaine??!!!!

Do we use our voice the way we should? Should we eliminate from our voice the hard and insulting words for others, and use our voice only to carry happiness and joy? And what will happen to thoughts, can we carry bad words with thought only? 

La Voix humaine??!!!! Is there a voice which is not human??? What the hell were they thinking about when they wrote this title? When I do not know anymore what I am writing, maybe I should use my voice first and then write words in order to avoid nonsense.

I am always saying that we must reinvent life in order to survive and try to have moments of happiness or joy, before old age takes over and fatal decease invades us, and we have to try not to become bitter and stay open to the other’s needs. Death and love together what a mixture! Death and love together!!! Is there Nothing else? For too many people, still so many questions about the meaning of…

Yes unfortunately, it seems that the more we go, the least we know... It is like going thru a tunnel, and we have no idea anymore where the tunnel will bring us.  Too many of us live in an irrelevant world and do not really know what they want… But when we are confronted to a possible ending of our life, we must find the strength to be, we must find the energy to go on, we must find the desire to share life.

So, my dear friends going through this terrible time of fighting cancer,  listen to the "voice"
and the voices of optimism and courage, in your sleeps or your semi-conscience sometimes, stay open to your next adventure, your next success, your next triumph, I need you, we need you, and you will be with us forever. Yes, you will reinvent life in order to give us more joy, I am waiting with almost impatience for the new you, the new you full of life.

CORAGGIO…COURAGE…

 

 

 What is a friend?

 

-Bernard…Bernard…

In the silence and the darkness of the night their whispers woke me up.

-Bernard Bernard…                                                                                                             

 It was a tough night, full of thoughts but I got up, look around and see in the corner of my bedroom a few people. Who are these people? What do they want? I approach them very slowly, tying to wake up completely.  I am now, very near them, they all have open eyes staring at me, their face still hazy, they repeat hissing…

-Bernard…Bernard

-What …what?

-Bernard…Bernard

-Yes, yes. It is me.

-Listen, listen.  you wanted to know more about your friends, you are thinking of them very often and wonder if you always did the right things.   So, here we came to talk to you.                                                                                                                                        

They must be 6 or seven young people, I think I know who they are because looking at them brings me memories, but unclear memories, just some images not well defined.  Some of them smile, some look concerned.                                                     

One come closer to me and say: 

-You have to believe and trust all the stories and experiences we had in common, do you remember? We gave you what we had all the time, we gave you enough to make you live and even dream and be in the arts, and then you believed in us and in our adventurous life…You were thinking that we can live with just smiling at every new day …You were full of dreams and inventions, you were always ready for any possible new adventure, you were so interested in every aspect of life! You were creative and full of new ideas, you were special.

 I am trembling facing these words, but he goes on:                                                             -Now it seems it is over. What happened to you? Where is the man we knew? Did you change your attitude? Did you change your ways of thinking? Did you change all together? Know that your friends are still here to guide you, to help you, to give you confidence.

 I look at him and words escape me:                                                                                    -You mean I still have friends? Me? I have friends?

 They are now 3 of them talking together:                                                                             -Yes you do… You see dear friend, we did not forget anything, you were part of our life, part of our thoughts, part of our dreams…And you became part of us forever…And we are still here for you. 

Remember: You were not worried about the end of the month and what will be the next chapter of your life, you knew there will be one and you were ready to deal with it…                               

You were not worried about the impossible dream of big success, you just wanted to go to the movies and dream that you were one of the heroes or at least one of the actors…                                                                                                 

Please believe your friends: you still have great days to come, take advantage of them, good years go fast but bad years even faster, they only build your strength…There is no end for dreams and achievements, go for it…                                                                      

I hear my self-saying:                                                                                               - What is life about???

Now all of them answer:                                                                                                       -We go thru earthquakes and volcano’s eruptions and hurricanes, we have many experiences of love found and lost, but friends should still be there, and we should never be broken despite some terrible events in our life. Life goes so fast, so many experiences, so many great moments, so many pains and joys, so many wonderful encounters...And for many of us many questions about the meaning of who we really are and what we do... but friends are still there.                                                                                                                                                        

-Yes, yes... Friends are there.

They all say together:                                                                                                           -Yes, we become older, but listen to your friends and go on with building another life with our help. Listen, you have to hope for a perpetual new life, and we will build it with you. We all go through many difficult moments, but we have to stay always strong enough to dominate them, to stay above it, even to use them to become a full person. It is the best way to find some peace, to find some balance, to BE…   We need always to reinvent ourselves in order to survive and have moments of happiness or joy, we cannot become bitter. And when you are attacked and destroyed by the world, when you are even denied proving yourself, when you become the prey of vultures waiting with joy for your disappearance, real friends will appear near you and hold your hands, and talk to you, and you will again be you with their help.

Suddenly, their faces become very clear. And I could see David, Robert, Joel, Kay, Alfredo, Mark, Roger, Ann, and too many others……They come closer to me and hug me and give me kisses on both cheeks… They are now next to me, my friends who disappeared so suddenly from my life, my friends I miss so much, my friends who are in my heart every day…                

Death and love together... what a mixture!

They all started to fly with big smiles and disappeared…Yes, my very dear friends are gone forever from my life, but they have given me so much, I earned from them about existence, real thinking, love, forgiveness, dedication to my profession, and how to give myself… Thank you for being in my life, thank you for your words, it makes my soul more peaceful.                                    

We have ALWAYS to try to be there for the people we call friends, what does that really mean? When can we call somebody a friend?                                                                                              

 I think I know what friendship means thanks to the ones I made the past 50 years, and I am trying to continue to be a friend to them…Caring for them, helping them when they need me, always being around for them sharing their joy and their moments of happiness and caring for the people they love.             

And when life separates us and put big distances between us, I have to stay in touch to know about their last achievements or their last failure or disappointment… Making them understand that they are not alone, I am and will always be there for them.    

Too often, almost every day, life puts us away from the duties we have to the people we call friends, and we go into the terrible mood of ignoring their existence. We cannot do that, let us stop to be selfish, friends need us, need to know we are near them in spirit and ready for action to help them…                                      

How can we call somebody a friend if we never try to connect with him/her.

Unfortunately, in this new world it seems that the more we go the least I know… 

Sometimes I am lost in this new way of functioning, this new way of THINKING, and very often I do not know what to do for friends.                                                         

This new world is a challenge for many of us, we have been living an eternity in other ways of thinking..                                                                                                 

But we have to accept and to recognize that the world and society are in perpetual movement, and it should be our duty to adapt to the new rules.                                                                                                                                                                                 

We have to keep present in us, all the time, the notion of what it is to be a friend, to care for some people, to be there for them and today try to follow the new rules and the imposed obligations.

I have been lucky enough to be in theater, to live again and again incredible strong moments, to purge my soul, my body, my mind, my fears of deeply buried devastating emotions. I loved the theater because it is almost the only time where I could be myself with no shame, no barriers, no calculation no selfish intentions.

Now the theater is gone from my life and sometimes it is frightening to know that I will wake up in a new world.           But can we really always live in a fantasy? How can I deal with the demands of the ones who believe I am the same person that the days before?                                                                              My friends know, my friends care about my thoughts and my feelings as much as I care about them

And my friends who are now in another dimension still protect me because they are present in my mind and feelings

forever.