BELONGING ???

I really don't get the world I am living in anymore … Is it my advanced age or the fact that everything changes every day, and it is more and more difficult not to say impossible to follow the trends and the new ways of thinking, of approaching questions or even looking at the world with sanity and innocence.

It seems that all relations and relationships have changed, Sometimes I believe that I don't know how to talk to friends, to enemies, to family, to men, to women, to professional relations, to unknown people, to a bank teller, to a vegetable seller, to singers, to concierges, to doormen, to waiters and even less to waitresses, to workers, to garbage collectors, to directors of companies, to colleagues… TO NOBODY.

I never laugh when people are laughing, I laugh sometimes and I realize that I am the only one in the room to do so, and people look at me with an air of surprise or even contempt for the strange human being with a different sense of Humor.

I was a big movie goer, have seen thousands of movies but for the past few years I have been bored with most of movies but entertained by watching the news on TV which most of the time are pathetically boring for most of us.

I have the feeling I am not in touch with most of everything and it is not because I am not American born. I am even more of a stranger to the people of my origins… BUT I ALSO REALIZE THAT MORE AND MORE PEOPLE HAVE THE SAME FEELINGS I HAVE AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO THINK OR WHERE THEY BELONG.

In public, in our work, even with our friends we cannot address what we really feel about this one or that one, about an aspect of life without taking the risk to be seen as a strange person in the best case or an agitator and may be mental in other cases… but we can say whatever we want in ASSBOOK (my way of saying face book), commenting on other people life, making judgments about their actions and even quoting what they could have said or actually what we believe they could have said, and all of this with self-assurance, self-congratulating attitude and total impunity.

Society has found the way to be a gossiper while earning everyone's respect!

The point of reference in life today is the phone, the real secret to knowledge is to push the right button in order to have very fast answers with no time wasted to THINK and unfortunately the search for the acquisition of feelings, knowledge, culture is ridiculed.

It is not important anymore to know about the thoughts and ideas of the past in order to formulate new ideas, the answer to ANYTHING is to push the right click.

Some people make comments and judgments about others, talk about their life and their behavior when most of the time they have never met them or have witnessed what they denounce…VERY SAD…

We cannot have strong opinions about anything, we cannot express what we are thinking but at the same time we are free to say whatever about whoever, HOW CONFUSING!!!!!!

We have to be careful about the language we use in a working situation especially if we have a person of the opposite sex in the room and then we have to behave differently and we cannot talk about some subjects. I AM LOST!!!!!

We cannot for example in a rehearsal room tell singers of the opposite sex, in order to find the right mood of the character to think about the last time they made love because it is considered as sexual harassment or a language which is full of irreverence and lack of respect...

Everywhere we go we have to sign a declaration of good behavior and the paper we sign is warning us about what to do and not to do, but nothing is really precise or really understandable. WHAT?????

We all know about people who talk about us, about our habits, our behavior, our ideas, our way of living and most of the time the talk is full of negative comments, while these people have never met us or exchange one word with us. But it is easy to peddle rumors, and judgments.

Especially if we are part of the non-sinners.

I do not know what friendship means anymore, I do not know because most of my so called friends have other interests, and it seems that friendship today means LET’S HAVE A GOOD TIME TOGETHER.

I do not see often in the so called friendship the notion of sacrifice for somebody else, and it seems that life is becoming a succession of events and a race for …WHATEVER… and we have no power over it.

We cannot say anything to anybody anymore; everybody has good reasons to be who he is, to believe what he wants, to act following his desires…so why should we expect anything from anybody? Why should we believe that we know something?

I believed that to be good to some people deserved some recognition? After all these years navigating all over, I still did not get that to do nothing means to open the door to everything… expect nothing from anybody…do not ask anything…do not try to create anything…wait like an ass for things to happen, for the world to guide you, for other asses to tell you what to do when they finally look at you…Right? Guess what?

NO, NO… I refuse, life would be a torture and a total boredom.

Are we going to continue to accept this masquerade of life? What can we do? It seems that others impose on us who we are, what we do, how to think and what to think of others!! And we do all this to each other!!!

Too many people believe that life is what it is…. I do not…

Of course Fate and Destiny have a role to play and life is often a lottery but we should not believe that fate and destiny are the only determining factors, we have to believe that we can change the world or our world by shaping it, by interpreting it, by looking at it in a different way…AND BY REFUSING TO FOLLOW THE ONLY WAY KNOWN TOO OFTEN AS THE TREND.

Yes, sure, why not? If I think that way, soon I am going to believe I am somebody else…

The man who is walking in the street and who believes that he is being looked at… thinks what??? I do not know what he thinks and what to think…what do people REALLY think when they look at us or when they talk to us…

Kay Castaldo, my dear friend of 34 years died after a long battle with cancer.
My dear friend Kay is dead and it makes me angry because she was one of the rare persons who was still herself, a real human being, a woman full of thoughts and compassion, always looking for the truth and incapable of being nasty or destructive…

I am angry but I am not supposed to be the child full of anger of “the shattered sky” and the sky is not shattered anymore … Fifty years have passed since my anger of the shattered sky, fifty years?

Did wisdom take me over? But does wisdom leave some bitterness on truth? My youth: you are far away now, lost in memory, lost in the fog of life, but I keep some tenderness full of surprise for you. Surprise to see that I am another person built by life and by the vision of others…

I do not want to murder the truth anymore; I want to recreate the truth like I tried to do after all the years of wandering, but is it still possible? Do I still have the power, the desire, the strength, or even the opportunity??

Do we live in a time when we can recreate our truth? Is it this still possible? Or are we now the puppets of a world which dictates who we are according to the fashions, the internet, and the PHONE.

We have to have hope, hope that all of us will find a new balance and new ways to stay human in this world, to have compassion in this race for superficial successes and quest for pleasure.

Let’s keep in mind always that some of us knew how to stay real and compassionate and giving…

                             

Good bye Kay, It was an honor to have been your friend.