Three of my dear
friends are suffering from Cancer and are in a hospital for radiation and
chemo…Many, too many died in the past few years… Every day we learn about a
friend, an acquaintance being very sick or even sometimes who passed away, not
only because of covid, but many other reasons…I believe that the stress we have
been living for the past 2 years is one of the reasons of this hecatomb…
And now with the Variant we are back to step one of the tragedies… and we are again trembling of fear.
Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer, and had to go through radiation… I was victorious of my cancer, and I want my friends to know they will be victorious too.
MY FRIENDS I KNOW
YOU WELL, I KNOW YOU ARE STRONG AND CONFIDENT, SO just stay YOURSELF and think
about the next chapter of your life…Every day will be a challenge, but you are
not alone, and we are all thinking of you and sending you all we have and all
we can. I know that loving people around you are giving you the full support you
need, but please know that we too are here for you.
Of course, it is
not easy to go through that kind of challenge and I have painful memories about
my struggle with cancer… I wrote about it a long time ago and here are some
excerpts about that experience.
I gave the title Memories of the house of
the living to my experience fighting cancer:
“I am lying down
for my first radiation. Incapable or more exactly told not to move a little
finger or even one hair on my head. They put me in
a box, no it is not a box, they call it a BODY MOLD... my legs and my arms are
blocked, my back is blocked, my head is blocked, even my mind seems to be
blocked... I feel what a mummy in a sarcophagus must be feeling. The hospital
prepared this MOLD for me, taking all my measurements, they wanted it to be
perfect and be sure I will feel comfortable during the radiations, Ah! Ah! Ah!
I chose for the BODY MOLD the color blue, the
color of hope...hope????!!!!!... Ah! Ah! Ah! I really had a sense of humor. Ah!
Ah! Ah! But now in my mold, I cannot laugh, it could be dangerous, we never
know!!!
………………………………………
I lost the notion of time, I have no idea how long I have been in this box, no sorry this BODY MOLD... Ten minutes, twenty? Thirty? No idea... I am just looking at the ceiling trying to see a smile, but nothing. Then suddenly a machine comes above me and turn and turn, it is a robot, nobody else is in the room... Robert-this is the name I gave to the robot- is dancing around me, the radiation is starting, it is called cyber knife, to destroy my cancer. I am in the mold waiting for ...not even Godot… Godot disappeared from my life a long time ago… I am not waiting for him anymore; I am in my mold, and I have no idea of passing time...
I let a flood of images conquer me. I can still see myself, back from the urologic center, alive and pissing blood like the fountain di Trevi visited by Dracula after a big meal of raw meat.
Besides all this, I feel great, like a poppy rocked by a light "brise" in the spring fields of the mountains of Sarajevo. I put inside my underpants a white virginal towel acting like a diaper, and I know now what it will be to be incontinent, impotent, senile, and gaga soon.
I go back for the radiation every day for a week, and I have the great opportunity to think again about life, about future, and about youth. Oh, my youth where are you?
Yes…Only yesterday, I was twenty years old, I played with life taking risks and fighting fate, I was living at night without thinking about the time disappearing in the sunrise. I ran and ran and became breathless by ignoring the past and believing only in the future. I wasted time believing I could stop it in my favor …. I had so many hopes and I had thousands of aspirations which were never completed, and now in my mold I have the feeling that I am lost not knowing where to go, my eyes looking at the robot turning on me… And I thought I loved horror movies. Too many friends are gone and will not be back and I feel guilty not to have done enough for them, and sometimes to have been negative to their dreams.
Did
I spoil my young years throwing away real possibilities. I thought my opinion
about everything was the best and I could criticize the entire world with
despise. I finally was left with really nothing except to be able to
pontificate about all my travels in the world, and also a few wrinkles on my
face and the fear of being bored. WHERE
ARE MY BEST YEARS??? “
That was some lines I wrote about my
cancer a long time ago….
Ten years…
And now I want my friends to feel safe and not to feel alone. I was in a mold, like my friends must be in bed in the hospital with all kinds of transfusions and so many images in their head, but I came out of the mold and kill my cancer like I did with so many lions in my life…And I expect my friends to do the same, and I know they will and later we will talk about it as an experience of survival….Yes, time has passed, and life went on, and the cancer became just a memory of bad times buried in many others… In my present state of mind there is not too much to look at, very little to discover. But a voice seems to whisper to me: go on, do not renounce… The same voice I heard all my life in the difficult moments, the voice of eternity, the voice of courage, the voice of hope we have to continue to cherish. The voice whispers: You will vanquish… You will, I promise…A voice? Is it a human voice?
La
voix humaine??!!!!
Do we use our voice the way we should? Should we eliminate from our voice the hard and insulting words for others, and use our voice only to carry happiness and joy? And what will happen to thoughts, can we carry bad words with thought only?
La Voix humaine??!!!! Is there a voice which is not human??? What the hell were they thinking about when they wrote this title? When I do not know anymore what I am writing, maybe I should use my voice first and then write words in order to avoid nonsense.
I am always saying that we must reinvent life in order to survive and try to have moments of happiness or joy, before old age takes over and fatal decease invades us, and we have to try not to become bitter and stay open to the other’s needs. Death and love together what a mixture! Death and love together!!! Is there Nothing else? For too many people, still so many questions about the meaning of…
Yes unfortunately, it seems that
the more we go, the least we know... It
is like going thru a tunnel, and we have no idea anymore where the tunnel
will bring us. Too
many of us live in an irrelevant world and do not really know what they want… But
when we are confronted to a possible ending of our life, we must find the
strength to be, we must find the energy to go on, we must find the desire to
share life.
So,
my dear friends going through this terrible time of fighting cancer, listen to the "voice"
and the voices of optimism and courage, in your
sleeps or your semi-conscience sometimes, stay open to your next adventure,
your next success, your next triumph, I need you, we need you, and you will be
with us forever. Yes, you will reinvent life in order to give us more joy, I am
waiting with almost impatience for the new you, the new you full of life.
CORAGGIO…COURAGE…
