Another important
part of myself disappeared a few weeks ago, with the death of my best friend,
and I was plunged again into my own world--my world of loneliness.
I have slept so
often and so deeply with my loneliness that she has almost become a friend, a
tender habit. My loneliness never left me even for a second. It was faithful
like a shadow and was following me in my youth all over the world on my silly
voyages…
And now, thanks
to my loneliness, I am never alone.
When my
loneliness is in my bed in the same ridiculous hotel room in the middle of
nowhere, while my creative genius is directing another masterpiece, she takes
over the entire room.
And we spend long
nights face-to-face wondering: where will the accomplice of my wandering go?
Do I have to love
it or do I have to fight it?
My loneliness
taught me as much as she made me pour tears, my loneliness taught me how not to
be alone, and if sometimes I deny it, she never makes me weak … even if
sometimes I had wished to fill my loneliness with dreams and hopes, I know she
will be with me forever.
My loneliness was
resurrected recently by the death of my dear friend Robert, who died a month
ago, after a fight with cancer for 6 months....
IS IT BECAUSE HE
DIED THAT I FELT SO LONELY? DID HIS DEATH PUT ME IN TOUCH AGAIN WITH MY LONELINESS
WHO HAD BEEN BURIED FOR SO MANY YEARS?
He was my friend
since 1962 when we met at the university in Paris, he was the gentlest, most
generous person I know, and incapable of being mean or hateful!!!
He was the memory
of my youth, the image of my quest for the truth of life, and the smile of my
bitterness.
And he died at
the age of 71, when he had never been sick!!! What the fuck???!!!! How is it
possible to die so fast, and suddenly to disappear from
EVERYTHING.. Why do all my
friends have to die one after the other?
Am I a bad omen?
It seems that I
have been spending my life burying people! Actually, No! I am never there
when they die, I am on the road or living another escapade, or, when I was
younger, trying to discover the world--or whatever I believed the world was in
my young mind full of questions and, most of the time, empty of answers!
My brother died
at the age of 24, I was 19, and I was not there: I was traveling in Asia trying
to find the truth about life in a monk monastery! My brother dies and I talk
about life with monks!!! Almost laughable!
My father died 6
months later and I was not there, I was acting in a c movie trying to become A
GREAT ACTOR and be venerated by the crowd! He died almost by himself like a
poor soul in a c movie.
My mother died
and I was not there, I was directing Romeo and Juliette. And I arrived two days
later to see her in a coffin full of flowers… What irony!
My other best friend,
Mark Flint, died and I was not there, he was very far away from me and I was
too busy with silly every day occupations, trying to be!
I can continue
the list forever!!! Is life protecting me by keeping me away from death?
BUT If all this
had to be done again, and if I had the choice presented to me, I would be
there.
I regret,
bitterly, that I missed these painful moments, and especially that I missed
them because I wanted to become somebody in my own mind, in my own ambition, in
my own fantasy world!!!
Why do we have to
go through all this pain? Is that destiny? Is that fate? PLEASE DO NOT SAY “IT
IS THE HUMAN CONDITION,” you will make me laugh and I am not in the mood!!!
Is that the
reason we become artists? Because we believe it is the best way to deal with
real life? To have the luck and the power to hide our pain and our suffering
behind a character, or while directing a play or an opera, to have the
opportunity to become somebody else wearing the mask of a so-called creation?
Do we do all this
unconsciously and in order to avoid this loneliness that we do not know how to
confront? This loneliness which is a common feature for all of us, and
especially in the world of the arts?
Are we born, and
will we live forever trying to deal with this loneliness and find ways to
endure it?
I remember
the great lines of my Russian Acting teacher:
When we act, it is the only time
in life when we do not need to act, we are protected by the character we are
performing! So be totally yourself, do not hide anything, do not protect
yourself with pretending to be another, and use all this to find a balance in
your life. Acting is the equivalent of what alcohol or drugs are for some, but much
healthier.
Your loneliness
is now under the cover of the character you are performing; express it, use it,
deal with it, cure it and because of this cure on your wounds you can become a
better person and you will certainly be a great artist!
My loneliness: I
hate you for leading me to the bottom of life so many times. But I also cherish
you…you gave me the tools to be a better artist and, maybe, a better person.
The DEATH of
friends makes us think a lot about LIFE, how ironic again!
We go through life
searching desperately to do the best we can for ourselves, for people we love,
and for people we like and we disguise our loneliness.
Sometimes we ease
it by being close to some people and some others we love!
Let’s try to use
our loneliness to be fair, generous with people, and giving!!! I know that TOO
OFTEN we get in return distrust, disdain, refusal, negativity, and sometimes
hate!
But is that
really important?
We wonder often
why this one or that one acts this way? Why he or she turns his/her back to us,
let’s just think about their loneliness and forgive them. Maybe they did not
have the opportunity to find a way to express their loneliness through the
channels we used.
Should we feel
with our heart but act with our reason? YES, YES , YES…
Let’s try to feel
with our heart, our passion, our abandon, and let’s be sure to act with our
judgement, our reason AND NOT WITH OUR LONELINESS.
Unfortunately,
too often most of us act with our hearts and feel with our reason, then our
loneliness grows day after day!! And then, it could be too late to dominate it
and we can fall in hell.
Too many people
in our lives disappear because of new interests, new adventures, and sometimes
new directions! Or unfortunately we are not useful any more in their development!
It is difficult
to stay close to the ones who have been very present at one point, and we lose
track of them... And worse, sometimes the former important ones deny us!!! And
very often, we prefer not to know the reasons out of fear, or apprehension to
discover the bad sides of ourselves!
It seems that we
live more and more in a world and in a society where we have a tendency to
ignore or to avoid the ones who are no longer immediately involved with our
quest for a better life, and we become contributors to their loneliness.
So please, all of
us, let’s not wait for the death of somebody close to us or important in our
lives to think of him/her, to take care of her/him; they could be lonely, let’s
be sure to bring some comfort in that loneliness by being there and being
attentive to them and their possible needs.
