Yes we can!!!!

Friday at 11 am, I left New York, my apartment and my office to go to my home in New Jersey, a long trip, 25 minutes with no traffic.

I am now sitting in my garden. The same garden as in 1986 but everything is so much bigger, luxurious and invading my space, my imagination: the trees, the plants, the flowers and the dandelions.

Nature has a special gift to remind us who we are, what we became, and how much time has passed, I wish I had grown as much as the trees around me and learn more about the purpose of life, about who I am, what I want and what I am still dreaming.

A million memories are invading me, memories of the past 30 years. We bought this house the year of Diana’s debut at the Metropolitan Opera and my first appointment as general director of an opera company. I knew nothing about gardening, fixing appliances, talking to contractors or taking care of the plumbing.

All I knew was literature, theater, opera (relatively new), and above everything I knew how to keep talking for hours about nothing, convincing people that my intellect was superior, that my ideas were worth it.

Whatever the subject was I had an answer, French accent helps sometimes to convince people of the importance of what we are saying.

I learned with time to apply the old proverb:

LA PAROLE EST D'ARGENT MAIS LE SILENCE EST D' OR 

Talking is silver but silence is gold

All these years I tried to combine my work, my dreams, my ambition to achieve and fulfill my artistic desires and my personal life. But I always kept in mind the line from my idol Samuel Becket " I AM ON THE EDGE OF BECOMING SOMEBODY".

Beckett was right; we never become somebody but only reach an approximation of ourselves, and we spend most of our lives trying to blend aspirations and reality, always thinking that next year it will happen.

 I made a million mistakes, I made the wrong choices many times, I made many enemies ... that is a sour subject for me, because quite honestly I really don’t know why I made enemies...I believe that I was never unfair to people, I never tried to hurt anyone; I feel as though I helped many people in their life and was a presence when needed, but probably most of us think the same way and has good reasons to do what they do. 

In any case, I am now sitting in my garden with a glass of Sauvignon blanc, I am still very active -too much for some people- and I wonder...

How can we combine work, dreams, ambition, personal life, without having doubts, without regrets, without hurting others, without failing sometimes? Is it really possible?

Does time arrive at one point when we have to make a statement about our life or should we try to think about it every year?

Every three years?

Every five years? 

Did my father do the same? Did he at one point sit by himself, thought about his life and his struggles, his pains, the injustice of fate and the death of his pride, his son, my brother dead at the age of 26?

Is that why he died heartbroken a few months later at the age of fifty-nine?

When is it the right moment to reflect on the past? Do we have to continue without thinking in order to be alive? Are memories for most of us more painful than happy? Why do we have to remember the bad ones and swallow up and digest the good ones?

How many terrible moments influence our life as an artist? The more we are hurt the more we want it.

To escape reality?

To try to have a different life? 

We are the conglomeration of all this, we have to bring all of it in our artistic side, we cannot be afraid of living the painful moments again, we have to use them as a cure, as a second chance to be complete.

I am sitting in my garden and I see all the friends who were here, most have disappeared from my friendship swallowed by work, by other interests, by other friends, by life…I am thinking of them and I miss them.

Where are they? Where did they go? Are they happy? Are they at peace with themselves? Sometimes one of them resurrects from the silence or his absence and I feel so full of joy, so rejuvenated, thankful that he contacted me.

It seems that in our profession friends disappear a lot

or is it the same for all professions?

Some are not even with us anymore; my dear friend, my brother Mark Flint is gone... How is that possible? Why? Why? He was my alter ego, my musical side, his musicianship was a daily lesson, his generosity was overwhelming, and his humor was unique. I learned so much from him.

He was my neighbor, he was here every day in the summer and we dreamed together about our profession, our projects, and our retirement sitting on the porch of the house and laughing…

These days did not and will not happen, he left too soon.

I am sitting in my garden and I think about my daughter running around at 8 years old, thinking about my wife and her first Tosca, her first Manon Lescaut, her first Angelica, and myself preparing my next production in Italy or in Monte Carlo. How exciting this all was, how fulfilling...All the dreams together, the love for each other and the love for what we were doing.

We were young, full of energy, full of life…what a wonderful ground for happiness...We were lucky to be able to fulfill our dreams.

 We renounced a multitude of things like being together at important moments, but our thoughts were always about one another. Loneliness was an everyday trauma, loneliness filled by the moments spent in a rehearsal room or on stage or with other lonely people, but our loneliness was fed by the joy of knowing that the other one was happy.

All this…

IS IT WORTH IT? 

It is more and more difficult for all artists to try to combine ambition, self-achievement, dreams and personal life. The life of being another under the mask of a character or the mask of a director is not enough, we have to try to have a full life, it is difficult, it is challenging, it is sometimes painful but we have to try.

If our call to be an artist is the only priority, it‘s fine… but for the majority it is not and they do not know how to handle everything. It is not an easy issue ...especially with the world we are living in, where do I go? What do I do? What is the next step? What if I do not make it? What? What?

Sometimes obligations become the reason to accept failure, I could not continue to want to be an artist I HAVE A FAMILY, I have to take care of them. Sure, yes, of course. 

Is it the same dilemma for all professions? Yes probably but even more with professions dealing with human heart and soul because basically we are tormented, dissatisfied, and searching. 

     

I am sitting in my garden and I wonder: are we chosen or are we cursed? We, the so-called artists? 

Can we try to have it all? Yes

Can we aim for the full spectrum of existence? Yes

Can we really demand a personal life, an achievement in art, and a satisfaction to our ambition? Yes

Can we be happy at the age of reason to have had as much as possible of all this? Yes

Are we so special that we can have all this? Yes we are

Are we capable of handling it all? Yes we can

But it is not an easy path, it is a daily labor, a daily struggle, a daily choice, a daily doubt…

But we can!!!!!!

It is now in your hands