HALF A CENTURY

Already 50 years have passed, fifty years in this country, now my country….In 1961 from Tunisia to one year in the south of France , then Paris, the university,  and my travels all over the world (hitchhiking) searching for an identity, but did I really find it? I was always going back to Paris, not richer in money but so much richer in experiences acquired in meeting so many different people of so many different ethnicities … One day , I will write about my travels in Africa, in Asia ( Especially in Nepal and Afghanistan),  in all Europe.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

In 1963 while a student (I was 19),  I had some experiences as an actor in a few  theaters like ‘’LE THEATRE DES AMANDIERS “ in Nanterre where my university was located . With theater I found the best way to find myself as a person and for the next few  years persisted in this adventure...                                           Yes, to act was the only way to find myself and to know really who I was! To be inside the life of a fictional persona was the only time when I did not need to act, protected by the character I could be myself and be totally involved, while in life I had to act to exist and to be somebody , I had to protect myself by never giving the real MOI, afraid of the possible negative consequences.                                              In being a character in a play, on stage,  I used my personal experiences, my personal traumas, my personal victories, and defeats…. Yes, I had an equivalent in my life for all the situations in the play, and using it was  the best way to find some peace, to find some balance, to BE…                                                                                                                                               

Actually I realize that this way has been present all my life and even when I replaced the acting by the directing I was still using my life, my personal memories, my relations with others… Even if sometimes , I was considered as too demanding or difficult.

Yes, 50 years ago in September 1970, I am an actor in Paris , or more exactly I need to be an actor to exist, to find my truth  and make sense of my life… For the past few years I have been haunting the casting television studios and go to every audition possible in all the theaters in Paris, sometimes I have luck and I am cast. After dreaming of becoming a great famous actor in France, I actually became a young one like thousands of them, a dreamer who tried to behave like an adult with a sense of responsibilities and who actually is searching for a possible truth… I had the fortune to work as an actor with very famous theater masters like Jean Louis Barrault and Tania Balachova… Very soon I became a member of the professional acting studio of Tania Balachova in Paris where I became her assistant and started to direct . For the next few years  I performed many, many roles in plays by Chekov, Moliere, Musset, Pirandello, Beckett, Ionesco, Sartre, Camus, Pinter, Brecht, Arrabal,   in different theaters in Paris and on tour all over France and even foreign countries… I was also dubbing foreign movies.…                                                                                                                                                                 

I am 26 years old and one day, while wandering in Montparnasse, I meet my old friend from the university Robert … I have not seen him in many years since he is now living in New York, he his half American, his father is an American Jew who does not want to be that, and his mother an Italian catholic who wants to be it… He was born in Morocco since his father was a lawyer  for the American army there, then they came to live in Paris and finally  his entire family went back to live in the states. My dear friend Robert who died 2 years ago, how much I miss you and your humor and your generosity…. You were one of the few who knew Bernard the man and Bernard the actor…                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  We meet in the street and see each other , with so much joy, so much affection, we rush to sit at a café and talk about the last few years of our life….He was going every summer to Middlebury college in Vermont to finish his PhD. in French…and loved the place…

-Bernard  you should come to the states and teach in Vermont.

- Teach? Teach what?

-Theater, literature, whatever you want.

- But Robert, I never taught before except for 6 months in a school of delinquents because it was near the television studio and also because I could deal with the delinquents.

- But Bernard, you have the credentials and you should apply, they hire every summer somebody to teach literature and to direct plays with the students…I promised to you, they will hire you, you are exactly what they want and like.

-Robert, I am not sure I can do that.

-Bernard, did you change??? What happened to you? Is the loss of your father and your brother a few years ago creating a new Bernard?

-What do you mean? I answered.

- I remember when we were students, you taught me that life is a perpetual challenge, and sometimes when opportunities are presented to us, we have to go for it with no hesitation, you called that “TRAINS ARE PASSING” and you added  when trains are given to us, we cannot let them go… So, did you change? A beautiful train is passing for you, go for it!

- Robert, you are right, no, I have not changed, I still take the passing trains , and even sometimes with no sense of possible bad consequences, I still do it… I have done it all my life and did not change… What is the name of the person I have to be in touch with??

He gave me the name, and I called and I took an appointment and met with the director of the school … I was hired on the spot to go for the following  summer to direct plays with students and to teach French literature. I took the train and Middlebury college summer school started a new life , I went back for 11 summers, and also accepted teaching positions at Wellesley college, Sarah Laurence college, and Mount Holyoke…

In 1973, the French consul was visiting Middlebury school and convinced me to try a  French theater company in the USA.  The following fall I arrived in Boston with a valise and created the French theater in Boston which became after 2 years the French Theater in America. Some of my French friends join me in Boston, we were giving around 100 performances a year and I was the director, the leading actor, the administrator, the driver of the van, the lighting designer, the guy who picks up the programs in the intermission to re-use them and save money, etc....that FOLIE went on until 1981...

A very important train.

In the fall of 1981, Sarah Caldwell director of Opera Boston was producing Faust by Gounod with original dialogues in French and she invited me to direct the dialogues scenes, after a few days , she asked me if I could help to stage the entire production and I said yes... I had never been to an opera in my life and did not read music... but I LOVED IT...

A very important train.

After that experience I  was asked to direct Pagliacci for the Lake George Festival. In the summer 82, I learned how to read a vocal score! A few months later I directed for Detroit , Philadelphia etc...

So in 1982/83 season I directed 5 productions and soon I became totally involved in opera and stopped the French theater in America.

Very important trains.

Many more trains were passing in the following years, some incredibly appealing! Tulsa opera, Montreal opera offering me to become general and artistic director of the company when I had been in the business of opera for only 4 and 5 years and knew really very little about it! And it went on for the years to come…. Yes, I know, I had been lucky to have these trains passing, and to be able to guess that I could take them and even more to have the people in charge of the trains believing in my possibilities… Sometimes, we do not recognize the train , or we are not aware of it, so, we have to be vigilant and keep our mind open to all potentialities…

Some people can call that way to be an opportunist, here is a definition of opportunism: the art, policy, or practice of taking advantage of opportunities or circumstances often with little regard for principles or consequences.                                                                                                                                                                    We have to be careful and continue to have regard for principles and consequences, especially if we are looking for trains in everyday life and not only for our profession… Yes, trains are passing for all aspects of human relations, and even for our choices in friendship and life companions…   

And what if we take a wrong train?  A train going in the opposite direction that our aim in life! Yes that can happen , we have to keep our mind open and always be ready to jump of it, and continue the search…Even  bad train can bring good memories and a very important item: experience of what is bad for us…                                                                                                                                               Fifty incredible years, full of adventures, of encounters, of achievements…. Thank you theater, you made me happy…

                                                                                                                   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

QUESTIONING…….

 

 

Today is Saturday, the day of the Lord for my ancestors, these Hebrews who went through the world searching for the impossible and finding only very few answers ….So Saturday is the day of thoughts and questions about life and I am wondering if I missed opportunities to know, to understand, to advance in my being, to really think about the importance of human relations, love, friendship, search for knowledge and dreams of possible achievements ….… These days , in the incredible times we are living come to my mind and my failing memory this line of Albert Einstein:

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

Yes, the important rule is Questioning! And these days in the world we are living , there are many questions we could or should ask.

 

I remember the day, a very long time ago when I believed I was already an adult and convinced that  I did not need anybody to help me to become ME,  I met a man who was different from all the other men I had met…He was in the same time serious and devoted to his work , full of humor, and always very careful not to hurt the feelings of other people….but he also had a very developed critical sense…He knew how to take risks but with the wisdom of an accomplished artist; he could laugh, make other people laugh but he was also capable with his stories to bring tears to the eyes of the people who were listening to him …He always was going to a positive point in a conversation, was listening to other opinions with an open mind   and was capable of staying impartial in dilemmas. And he was always asking questions about his life, our lives, our experiences, our next chapter.

Unfortunately, I did not have the chance to know him better, I was too busy with my personal headaches and my obsession to be successful as easily as possible.

 

These days , in the incredible times we are living I wish I could have known him better, and I feel every day that I want to be closer to his ways of thinking, I am trying to have my thoughts and my wishes influenced by his memory. We cannot live without dreams and  without hope. Dreams are the mirror of the past and  hope appeals the future.

 

I mentioned before that I have been silent for a long time and I apologize for it, these past few months have been extremely hard for all of us and I kept silent in order not to disturb anybody. I even kept silent for the few people who are still carrying me in their heart and their friendship. But actually, these past few months have been sometimes very surprising to me, since some people who I believed had forgotten my existence were in touch with me and asking about my life and my feelings…after 2 years of agony for me… I was so happy to have these former friends contacting me and proving by their action that they were still friends and caring; it has been a huge comfort on my wounds. Sometimes , actually always, it is imperative to stay in touch with the ones we were close to at one point, especially if they go through difficult times in their personal life, let us not be judgmental, let us not be ignoring their pains or  their difficulties.                                                                                                                                    

Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.

 

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of beauty is not ugliness, it is indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it is indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, but indifference between life and death.”  Elie Wiesel

 

I look at the world around me and I am wondering why we have changed so much!!!! The world is not full of little devils anymore, the little devils are now ugly builders of schemes, with the desire to become the one who will lie all the way to the top of the Pyramid from where they will contemplate the crumbling world with a satisfied eye… Too often , they do not realize that Pyramids become also ruins if they do not take care of the stones…We are surrounded by mobs trying to find the worst in everybody, and every possible gambit can be good to achieve the destruction of somebody else; Everybody now is a self- created  witness of events, and become the judge of people they do not even know and too often the social medias perpetuate it. We have to learn  to keep Hate and Anger for later in times, the time will come , but not now.   There are no rules anymore, no decency, no restraint, no self-control, no NOTHING.

 

SO? WHAT TO DO? I DO NOT KNOW or I DO NOT KNOW ANYMORE or I HAD NEVER KNOWN…

                                                                                  

 But we have to continue to be for the ones who believe in us, for the ones we love and who love us. These people justify the absurdity of our time, even if we can count on one hand the ones  who really can…really can what??? WHO KNOWS??? or I DO NOT KNOW or I HAD NEVER KNOWN…                                                                                 

What happened to our dreams of happiness for an equal society full of life and  aspirations? We were supposed to reach the NIRVANA, this stillness of mind after the fires of desire, aversion and delusion have been extinguished. What happened to the spirit of the last decades? When we decided to rebuild the world for total harmony and total understanding of others! We were working hand in hand with the older generation using their knowledge and them using our vitality. My teachers, in university and in theater, were so close to us, we were friends, companions, and dreamers together. We made plans to bring to society: balance, equality, dreams, and happiness. No conflict of generation was involved in this collaboration. We trusted them and they trusted us, we needed them and they needed us to continue to advance in the search for a possible discovery in life and in the arts.

 

My heart is heavy, heavy to know too much , or not to know enough, life went so fast, and now the emptiness around me is an abyss, and too many people contemplate solitude these days and are devastated… After my escape from Tunis and my desertion from Paris and after the travels all over the world, when I decided it was time to change my ways of looking at the shattered sky, I decided that it was time to try to be real, to try to forget the tragedies and  I wrapped myself in a whirlwind of activities… I have been a teacher, an actor on stage and in movies, the head of a theater company, an opera director, a scenic and lighting designer, the director of an opera company, a librettist, I did everything involving theater or stage crafts. Questioning myself and questioning everybody and everything, sometimes too much and building the reputation to be a difficult person.

 Too many people believe that life is what it is …I do not… I do not believe in fate, I do not believe in destiny, I believe we can change the world by looking at it a different way, by giving new interpretations of it, by remodeling it…Yes, everybody believes he has good reasons to be who he is, to believe what he wants, to act according to his desires.

 BUT ALWAYS WE HAVE TO TRY TO KEEP PRESENT IN OUR MIND HONESTY AND UNDERSTANDING OF OTHERS, SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY, POSSIBLE JUDGEMENT BASED ON TRUE KNOWLEDGE OF FACTS, AND NOT FALL IN THE EASIEST WAY OF CONDEMNATION….

 We have to find ways not too sink in a deep solitude which is a great danger in these times of dramas due to the  Pandemic and the need for a new society,  but unfortunately the answer from too many of us is to find refuge in solitude…                                   

 Let us remember some of the quotes of my past:

Price of freedom is solitude

Solitude is an art

Solitude is the nest of thoughts

But also let us keep in mind:

Solitude of the mind is real solitude

Crowd is solitude

Solitude is a jail

Solitude is a tree without fruits

Who understands humanity looks for solitude

Solitude of God is his strength

In solitude we become suspicious

To be lonely is a choice, solitude is not a choice

Hell is in that word: solitude

Sadness comes from the solitude of the heart

 

We cannot fall in solitude and indifference, we should continue to question, and always remember that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference…and the opposite of life is not death but indifference between life and death….

PERSPECTIVE

I have been silent for many weeks, overwhelmed by what is happening to all of us… I received dozens of emails from friends worried about Diana and me , wondering why I have not been writing… Please be reassured , we are doing fine , staying at home for more than 2 months and going out only for necessities…And we know that this situation can go for many more months or years, and we know that life will be another way of being for all of us….                                                        

 We are living very difficult times, most of cities all over the world live an incredible period, the equivalent of the Bubonic Plague is back, but with no immediate solution!  And with it, we have to learn new ways to survive , new ways to function , new ways to think, new ways to be….

I am keeping busy, working on my next novel, revising the libretto of the new Opera JULIE ET MAO, it will open in Germany March 2021… and recently I had my last two books published, Cyrano and second revised edition of The Shattered Sky…

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog about fear and Freedom, proclaiming my total and intense freedom not even imagining that some aspect my Freedom could again be robbed from me….And it is now happening, and what I believed was an important strength of my life is now taken away from me…

My freedom many times in the past, you have been incredibly threatened, but now with the events of the pandemic, you have been wounded again. Now most of people are suffering and are living like some of us have been for a time, in loneliness and rejection from others.

I have to say that this new way of living:  quarantine, social distancing, home staying, and solitude have been most of my new way of life for the past 2 years…

BUT I tried to keep the freedom of my thoughts, of my feelings, of my emotions and we all have to do the same.

How much I understand better the theory of Brecht about DISTANCIATION in the theater… Creating the EPIC THEATER,  Brecht was asking the audience to see the world as it is and not to suspend the disbelief….

These difficult times put everything in PERSPECTIVE!

For a lot of people the last few years in our spoiled world and spoiled society have been spent with not enough concerns about real dramas and real tragedy. New ways of suffering had to be invented and promoted in order to feel totally alive and useful to this imagined new world.… And we have been too often ignoring the real dramas all over the world and concentrating on our spoiled life with small and petty events.

The world has now changed and WHAT A BIG CHANGE!!!!!

Yes, and this situation gives us  PERSPECTIVE….

Some of us have seen just about everything that can happen in the world, war and loss of family, forced to leave their birth country and becoming a refugee in an adopting place, terrible diseases leaving you destroyed mentally for life, racism and being always seen as a different human being, and so many other awful events happening in life. When people have made it past 80 years old, beyond the official life expectancy , they very often show a resilience BUT THAT IS IN NEED THESE DAYS FOR ALL AGES IN THE DRAMA WE ARE LIVING …

In the past decades for many people in our spoiled society the most important in our life was to acquire and even demand everything immediately, without real sacrifice. We were owed everything.                  If only we had known earlier the drama we are living now and its consequences, maybe we would have acted and behaved differently these past years! This pandemic is an incredible and non-possible event for us….

Are we still capable of seeing what the world has to offer?

YES PERSPECTIVE.

With this terrible experience we are living, are we given an opportunity to take stock of our situation in the world, our destiny, our role in society, and to try to understand who we really are, what we really want , where we are really going in our life? It has been announced recently that hair salon, Gym centers, Tattoos parlors and Bowling alleys are authorized to open, GREAT !!!!!! They are so important in our society and the basics of human relations, what a joke!!!!! Is that really what we are hoping for our life?

 Are we these days returning to real thoughts? To a more decent approach to what the world is, and what right we have to demand and to expect?

In the past years it seems that complete different values became rules,  and it could be very difficult to really understand it … What happened to our dreams of happiness for an equal society full of life and aspirations? We were supposed to reach the NIRVANA, this imperturbable stillness of mind after the fires of desire, aversion and delusion have been extinguished.

What happened to the time when we decided to rebuild the world for total harmony and total understanding of others! We were working hand in hand using the knowledge and the vitality of each other. We made plans to bring to society balance, equality dreams and happiness. The sky has changed sky. We thought we had reached a stage where the young generation will not dismiss the old one and the old one will not look at the young one with a smile of disdain or even disgust? Knowledge will be respected, and young minds will be admired!

Imagine a world where the knowledge and experience is used by a young mind with his energy, invention, and sense of discovery? Imagine a world where the creativity is guided by knowledge.

It seems that it is yesterday that I was twenty years old, I was not thinking of passing time, and I was playing with life and with possible future… I was full of ideas, full of desires, full of projects and I was living from day to day… Whatever happened to this young mind so alive? I had so many hopes and so many projects, many disappeared in the fog of life, but many were finalized, and brought me so many joys of achievements…Yes, life is never at the end, and we have to continue to dream and to build the next step, nothing should stop us , nothing should make us clueless…Yes, It seems that it is yesterday that I was twenty years old and I was wasting time running after the present ignoring the past and the notion of experience… I was criticizing the world , believing I knew everything better than anybody, and was wasting my energy, acting sometimes like a fool … Time taught me how to really be alive and think…

The surrealists made the attempt to bridge together reality and imagination… Surrealists seek to overcome the contradictions of the conscious and unconscious minds by creating unreal or bizarre stories full of juxtapositions.  The world and reality are chaotic and unforgiving and usually do not make sense.Sometimes artists want to take the chaos of the outside world and attempt to make it appear real. Fighting this chaos to make reality normal is what Andre Breton was fighting against, take the absurd and run away with it.Madness could be considered genius and boring and dull equal dumb. Yes it seems that we are living a time of Surrealism, let us connect reality and imagination of what will be left tomorrow at the end of the actual tragedy, let us be twenty again in our mind and let us dream about desires, projects, ideas for a next chapter.

                                                                                    

Yes , I know that in everyday life, too often we are forced to contemplate the next step of our development ,but we should make the constant effort to stay in contact with the ones who contributed to make us who we are….

These past few weeks I have been contacted by many persons I had no news for a long time, many talking about the friendship we had, the creativity we shared, the affection sometimes we had for each other… I was and am very happy to have these conversations with these people who had been so important to me at one point….                                                                                                                           But PLEASE let us not  wait for a drama invading us to realize the importance of some people in our life.  

                                         

WHEN ENOUGH…WILL BE ENOUGH!!!!!!!?????????????

I wrote recently a blog called Fear/ Freedom...

Here is an excerpt.

“"My freedom , they have been trying to take you away from me, to throw me in a world without freedom, to make me another piece of the puzzle of life, but my freedom a long time ago you made me believe in new ways and I have it forever with me and it will stay with me forever.

Fears you will not enclose me in the silence of the semi-death or the silence of the frozen old age, the silence of the false peace of the soul … I have My freedom in front of me as the guidance of another new life, as the witness of the attempt to cultivate forgotten sides of my being and  helping me to bring it back to the surface…"

But can freedom have real limitations?  Or was I totally unrealistic and probably in dream land?

Sometimes and especially these days I wonder…

The panic is growing every day all over the world with the corona virus  and we certainly did not need that on top of everything we are living in the past few years.

WHEN ENOUGH…WILL BE ENOUGH!!!!!!!?????????????

What can I tell you? It is more and more difficult in this world to stay optimistic and have any kind of  hopes for the future, it is even difficult not to be totally depressed in these surroundings!

But we have to try to overwhelm it,  to continue to be, to believe, to struggle and to try to find some kind of peace and creativity . Despite the incredible circumstances  of our world....

Incredible circumstances  ?

Unfortunately this time it is much worse than just Incredible circumstances!!!!!

Almost 2 years ago, I lived a personal drama and it changed my life totally…Even with all the dramatic events I had to go through during my long life, I was not ready for this kind of attack because I had no way to fight it! How can you fight and deny people the right to talk, to judge you even if they do not really know you or even met you!!!!

Unfortunately many of the people I thought were friends disappeared in the fog of rushed judgement, not a word , not a sign, not anything from them…. They just vanished… May be they were  not interested anymore to call a friend somebody who could not do anything for them….And in my total disarray some of the “friends” joined the pack of the accusers !

Sometimes it looked like some of the “friends” were waiting for a possibility to destroy the one who had been so present in many chapters of life. And I thought before that I was liked by many…. Since in my mind, I had been fair and giving to so many people around me….

So loneliness invaded me and became the new rule of my life. Loneliness is a very serious and dangerous  condition, especially for a person whose life has been to be in contact with people all year long, whose job was to be dealing with others and had very little time alone….

We can try to compensate this new way of life by inventing new activities, new interests and even new professional occupations but too often loneliness is still the center of this new life and everyday becomes a challenge, even if we want the world around us to believe that we are doing fine , that we are in great shape and totally adapting to this new life.

I do not know what would have happened without the support and the love of my family, my wife Diana and my daughter Vanessa…. But also a few friends…. I will not forget it!!!!

Today, with the tragedy we are living , almost everybody is plunged in some kind of loneliness, and most of us have or will have difficulties living with it…. Loneliness is hard to deal with.

But we have to manage this condition and  try to avoid being overwhelmed by it….

Please stay in touch with the ones you call your friends, do not ignore them, they need you, even if you have no news for a long time!!!! It is the right moment to be in contact again , to care for them , to ask questions , to be there, to ask if they need anything you can do for them.

YOU HAVE TO BE THERE FOR YOUR FRIENDS...                

We have to turn the page of former misunderstandings and even if we had been hurt by some actions , we have to try to forget and communicate again with everybody who was at one point close to us….

 ENOUGH BAD FEELINGS, TIME HAS COME….

Every day we hear that somebody passed away, somebody we loved or liked or admired, , and they go while we have not been with them or exchange anything for a long time… Yes I know at my age I know an incredible amount of people and the chances that somebody will die are bigger than when I was thirty or forty but....But very often these people passing away are in their thirties or forties... How can we just turn the page when somebody we called a friend at one point disappear when we have not exchanged a word for so long??? Yes , I know life is life , and we cannot be always present in the life of others forever, but…Let’s try to minimize ignoring the people who were close to us…. They made who we are, they were part of our development, they should be forever in our mind and heart.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!

Every day we are assaulted by political craziness around us and most of us do not know where to turn in order to find a satisfactory or even a possible solution,  for the past few years the world of the arts is falling apart and the decadence of the traditional culture is accelerating to a point of no return. Yes, the needs of society and the meaning of culture change all the time  but let’s be sure it is replaced with something worth it….

Every day we hear about new manifestations of racism, and most of us are afraid to become a victim of it, because we are African American , Jewish, or born in another country, or raised in hell… I remember when I had the position of general director in Montreal, somebody wrote …”Why do we need a French Jew at the head of the Montreal opera…. “

And that world of hate is even worse and is manifesting itself almost every day… And we have to deal with it, and use the freedom we have to judge it and to act if necessary…

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!

The world we have created and we have to live in ,because of new ways of behaving and all the calamities, became a circus where we should live like if we were already dead… Not enough people want others to really think, create, or even exist…Or share friendship with others….                                                       

Despite all these concerns we live in a country where we should still be capable of real emotion, and we have to continue to be, to believe, to struggle and to try to find some kind of peace and creativity .

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!

EVEN WITH THIS NEW CALAMITY ENGULFING US….. CORONA VIRUS…..

Yes social distancing is the new rule, but let’s do it with caution, it does not mean stop caring for others, not giving news, not asking questions about their state, not BEING THERE FOR THEM….

Freedom has still to be always the rule of our life, even if we have to adapt our freedom to new rules because of dramatic events, we can still be free to think, we can still be free to feel, we can still be free to take care of friends, we can still be free to control our fears if we have to….We have to learn how to use our freedom the right way, try not to plunge too fast in judgement and create loneliness for others….They very often do not deserve it…

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!