the WHY???

I open my eyes in the darkness of my bedroom, god how much I hate this clock indicating 4:15 am flashing from the cable box, hurting my eyes and reminding me again that I slept only 4 hours...My dreams were nebulous last night, only a few people whispering in my ears an unknown language, like ghosts devouring my thoughts.

I turn slowly on the side, and listen to my spouse, my friend...she is still asleep and is snoring very lightly, an ocean of tenderness suddenly submerges me for her, she looks so fragile, and she sounds like an infant.

I am a little lost in the darkness, and start to be afraid, afraid of not having done what I had to do, afraid of having hurt others, afraid of something, afraid of?????

Do all artists have this feeling? Afraid of not having done what we are supposed to do? Is this the engine of our need to be part of another world that our imagination creates?

I get up and go downstairs to make my coffee...why does she buy that silly Starbucks at $11 a pound, it pisses me off...coffee is coffee, I would be content with a $3.95 Maxwell coffee...oh! Well, it makes her happy.

I am checking my emails, the same old story...singers complaining about conductors, conductors complaining about orchestra, directors complaining about cast...and all complaining about their management. A few offers, for the same people again and again and for the others the everyday struggle...

Today I have to fly to another city to direct the premiere of an opera…I have not done too many of them, probably because the people in charge believe that I am from another generation and capable only to deal with what is from the last century or even 300 hundred years ago, after all how can I understand the human feelings and the conflicts of the new generation, younger people must understand better, right?

I arrive in the rehearsal room ...I am full of joy, desire, apprehension...I feel confident and I have fears, I have to make an effort not to run the other way...Like when I was acting and before the performance, arriving to the theater... always asking myself: But why do I have to be here, maybe a strike of the stage hands will prevent us to perform, maybe the theater will be on fire, maybe a few colleagues will be sick and we will not have to do it...and then ...THEN...I enter the stage as Mercutio, or Alceste, or Le Cid and I forget everything. I am totally in control or better I am not me anymore, I just live, full of passion, overjoyed by being another, living a full life with no fear, no restraint, no blockage… The audience is listening to me, they are now real life, they have no preconceived idea of who I am, they are not judging me, I am just a character and I can make them cry or laugh, they want to listen to me , they want to love me or hate me,  they want to share with me EVERYTHING I want to give them, I am the master of the universe.............

I am the first one in the rehearsal room...today we will go through the score, through the text and the music, I have to be careful not to become a teacher in a classroom, not to drown them with information about the style, the period, the story, the genius of the composer, the pain of the leading character, I have to be careful NOT to overwhelm them with what I believe is useful...I have to inform and not to flood them with what I believe I know in an exercise of self satisfaction.

I have to remember what my great teachers told me...to direct is to put in the right direction, not to micromanage every thought, every move, every gesture...it is to guide artists in the direction of the truth of the character and of the picture I have in my mind...

Tania Balachova telling me: you can be a great director but remember the most important...DO NOT impose, make them discover, make them understand the situation, make them understand the emotions, make them understand the relation between characters, make them find in themselves the equivalents, BUT DO NOT IMPOSE , do not make them imitate a feeling, do not feed them like new born...do not impose mechanical gestures on them…Directing is not asking artists to imitate you but to find in themselves the best way to express what the character is at a specific moment, in a specific story, in a specific choice.

I AM READY, I am so happy...I know they will trust me, I know they will know that I know.

I am 45 minutes too early, as always too early, afraid of missing something, my cell phone vibrates...it is a friend, the head of a company. He tells me that he wants to do a new Manon, that he wants me to direct it...so many companies seem to want to bring back Manon, it is time...He tells me that he has a great cast in mind...I ask some of the names...I am in shock...I know we all have different tastes but ...but...he asks for my opinion ...I don’t know what to answer...I don’t want to offend my friend...I don’t mind being in disagreement with a general director but I do not want to offend my friend...I change the subject...I say: I will call you back, I am in rehearsals for the new opera...I can't talk now...I mumble something...something silly...I think I made a stupid joke...I hung up...he must think that I am very strange.

The cast is arriving...all young, handsome singers, willing, ready, open to work and discover and be, what a joy ... the reason we do what we do…we are starting...I have to hide my tears, tears of joy, of pleasure, I see the opera taking shape just because of them, I love them, I love the pain of my leading character, I love to be here.

One day at the rehearsal during a dramatic moment, during an aria where the soprano had to be vulnerable and lost and with no disguise… She could not do it, she was just a good singer an a good performer but for me it was not convincing, I had the feeling she could go further…

I took her aside and asked her if she was ready to go further… "Vera, are you ready to try to be more?"

"Yes, of course. But what do you mean?"

"Will you go to places you have not reached in many, many years?"

"I do not understand what you mean, but I am ready to try"

We went back to the rehearsal room and started again, all others were a little annoyed to have to do it again…

I held her hands and whispered words to her while she was singing, went with her thru the emotions, communicating to her the essence of the search of the girl she was personifying, transfusing life and pains to her, I did not try to have her imitating me, but sharing with her my deepest feelings and pains, asking her to go back to her most hidden failures and successes, to share with me, with us who really she was.

She started to say different words than the score and while in the situation of the opera and the scene she was using her own words, I left her alone on stage and after a few moments she was sobbing, tears all over her face while she was back to the text and the music of the opera. All the people watching were in tears...

These moments are worth being in an hotel room for 4 weeks even at the Vagabond Hotel and worth a Chinese gourmet buffet...She told me after that she had never experienced that, she felt different, she said:

"I think I discover something about me...I don’t know if I should thank you or feel bad about it..."

"Don’t thank me, and feel good, you just grew, you found new things about you, you were the real you, not lost in the disguise of life, you were the girl living inside you and the one you had forgotten, you were what you are without the obligations of being another, and that is the reason we do what we do."